Chris Christie, Karl Rove and All the Election Night Winners and Losers in One Succinct List

Elections are a time for thoughtful dialogue, but that is not what this article is about. 

This is a sensationalistic list of the big winners and losers from Election Night.

After all, that is what this nation's most exciting sporting event is all about.

With the Super Bowl, we only get one winner and one loser. But on election night, we can make an entire list for both categories.

So without further ado… 

WINNERS

1. Barack Obama

The president gave an eloquent and well-intentioned victory speech that covered a range of issues. He also succeeded in reviving an almost nostalgic spin on what his supporters loved about the once-Senator Obama. 

 But here's the speech that he probably wanted to give, if he had his druthers:

"Hell yeah! Hell yeah! Guess who just got re-elected? THIS GUY. Remember when the House of Representatives made me a lame duck for 12 months as they refused to pass even the most basic fiscal compromise? FOUR MORE YEARS, A**HOLES! Oh, and remember when you called me a Socialist, even though I made tax cuts part of my stimulus plan, and then extended the existing record-low taxes? WHERE'S YOUR CLOUT NOW? And the auto bailout … remember when Mitt Romney told Detroit to go to hell, and then we saved it, and then Mitt had the audacity to pretend like he loved it after all? MY FRIENDS IN MICHIGAN AND OHIO JUST KICKED YOUR BUTT. Now I can get back to work, while you guys initiate a civil war to see who gets your next Senate nomination." 

I wish he had given that speech instead.

2. Baby Boomers

Even though they voted overwhelmingly for Mitt Romney, this most contemptible generation — who spent the 1960's living off their parents hard work and the 2000's living off their children's outrageous state income tax bills — still got the president they deserve.

Why? 

Because their children have once again done the type of thing that they were never capable of doing. Forget the fact that millennials are changing the world through innovation, graduating in record numbers, and committing 60% less crime than their forbears — they also had the common sense to mobilize in support of a president who has completely earned a second term. 

Indeed, the Baby Boomers are very lucky to have us as children, for we suffer no fools, and even those of us who don't have economics degrees (or jobs) can clearly see that things are a lot better now than they were in early 2009. 

3. Chris Christie

We didn't' hear from him on election day, but he is such a master politician that somebody really ought to bring William Shakespeare back to life just for a few weeks so that he can document this guy. 

Not only does he win hearts and minds with his Super Storm performance, but then he uses it as an ice pick right into the eye socket of Mitt Romney, all while Democrats swoon over their new hero. Even Bruce Springsteen likes him now. Teachers beware. This man is one gastric bypass surgery away from having a lock on the Republican nomination — or, even more frightening to his GOP opponents — the first credible Independent run since 1992. 

4. Malia

She is so tall now, wow. Clearly she inherited her tall genes from Michelle's brother who plays and coaches basketball. Now she is going to be awesome at sports, as well as being the daughter of a two-term president. 

Malia has locked down her cafeteria seat at the Popular Table. 

LOSERS

1. The Chrysler Building

While it has always been my favorite New York skyscraper, the Chrysler Building was a huge loser on election night. The Empire State building's color-coded light display was a clever gimmicky stunt that helped to remind us all what a sh*t-show election night has become. While voter turnout fell slightly this year versus 2008, the media blitz and popular pandemonium reached a new high that was beautifully embodied by the art deco spire that — until now — was so closely associated with giant gorillas.

2. Indiana

Great job, Indiana! You were fortunate enough to have one of the best — if not the single best — senators in this country bringing a thin strand of pride to a state overflowing with vanilla cities. From your mecca, Indianapolis, to Gary, French Lick, Terra Haute, and South Bend, there aren't a lot of things to love about your almost-landlocked state, but Richard Lugar was one. Imagine a senator who is extremely knowledgeable about his committee focuses, loves his country enough to reach across the aisle, and brings the dignity and class that defined the senate of yesteryear. He is practically a model of what senators should be. 

Now imagine booting him from his well-earned seat in favor of a complete wingnut candidate who can't keep his damn mouth shut about abortion and rape. Did he not get the Aiken memo? Oh well, it cost the GOP a senate seat. But at least Notre Dame football is undefeated. 

3. People Who Bought Stocks On Monday

What were you guys thinking? 

The Dow Jones surged on Monday, for reasons that weren't clear to market watchers. Many speculated that an Obama victory seemed assured, and so the markets were hopeful that a clear and well-mandated outcome was underway.

But it turns out that they were going up because many on Wall Street actually believed that Nate Silver, Sam Wang, and every other educated statistician had it wrong, and that Mitt was in it to win it. The Wednesday hangover — the single largest stock plunge in five months — suggests that the millionaires at the NYSE actually, sincerely, from-the-bottom-of-their-hearts thought that Mitt Romney might win. And these guys get paid to make careful decisions? I'll invest my own money from now on.

4. Karl Rove

Yesterday's genius is today's old dog.

It turns out that political strategists are like Running Backs in the NFL. The really good ones can make it for about eight years, but after that they are mince meat pie. 

James Carville was smarter than Einstein back in 1992, but at least he had the good sense to go to pasture as a semi-comedic media personality. It seemed like Karl Rove had taken the same path with Fox News, but he still managed to screw it up. He looked so bad last night, that we were all waiting for a giant cartoon cane to appear from off stage right and yank him back to the hole where they put smarmy people.