Emma Stone Sex Tape: Spider Man Actress is Latest Sex Tape Celebrity

Emma Stone had sex once! Oh-Em-Gee!!! And she does it like everybody else! How shameless of her! That means she’s (ugh) human, and not one of the Greek Gods of Christian perfection that we expect our celebrities to be! (Only not really, because we wallow in sex tapes and rehab clinic stories like pigs in shit when they show up in the tabloids). How outraged are we!!!

I mean, seriously? I wouldn’t normally waste my time commenting on sex tape rumors (I prefer to waste it downloading them), but the reaction to this new one is so off the stupid chart that it has circled the universe and came back to below the horizontal axis. Apparently only shallow celebutantes who normally dress in seven different layers of not much at all have the right to have sex and film it. Normal people (or people onto which we project a sense of normalcy based on a few junket interviews and appearances on Ellen) only have sex for the purpose of reproduction. They don’t enjoy it, and in fact, are even a little embarrassed by it. And when they do it, they do it the proper way: with the lights out.

Filming the act of sex is only for people who are proud to be doing it, and apparently since sex is so vile, the only ones capable of such pride are talentless celebs like Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton and, of course, us, the non-famous masses.

Now, I’m the first to admit I’m a hypocrite. A big one. But there are certain things that even I’m above of, and one of them is saying I wouldn’t be elated to see Emma Stone getting it on on camera. As I mentioned in my The Amazing Spider-Man review, it’s my belief that someone should sic the Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency on Emma Stone ASAP, because she is simply too beautiful to be from this planet. And besides, she’s already displayed enough parts of her body on screen to indicate that whatever she hasn’t shown is probably very much worthwhile too. If her boobs, for instance, match the unmatchable beauty of her face, then I’m afraid it’s over for every other girl out there. Might as well call it quits. Guys will lose interest in whoever isn’t Emma Stone.

If there's a lot of fish in the sea, then Emma Stone is a flying Megalodon that breathes fire.

What I’m not in favor of is the release of said video without her permission, and apparently, she isn't keen on granting it. I mean, I dig. I probably wouldn’t want a sex-tape of me floating around the web either, but then again, I’m me and she’s Emma Fucking Stone.

If I had features like that, I’d be showing them off left and right for all the universe to see! I’d launch ads on TV with me saying, “Look at how incredibly hot I am, and you’re not. Loser.” I’d pay NASA to send a rocket into space with a precise recording of all my measurements, for the Space People to feast on how perfect I was.

But, as I said, I’m me and Emma Stone is Emma Stone, and she doesn’t strike me as the kind to take such glee in the act of rubbing it in the face of the less fortunate.

Numerous sites have cited the source who dropped the dime on the existence of the thing as saying, “Emma Stone has no respect for women like Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton who became famous because they released a sex tape.”

Well, to me that’s akin to saying that she doesn’t have any respect for companies like Hershey’s which achieved their success by selling a product that people want to buy, but whatever, that’s her opinion, and she has the right to parcel out her respect however she sees fit.

The fact of the matter, however, is that she has already proved she’s an excellent actress and an all-out sweetheart. That's what she's famous for! She achieved stardom by the means of her preference, and if anyone has a problem with that just because she had sense enough to register her absolute flawlessness so future generations can regret not living in our time, then I’m afraid you have an ugly brain.