End of the World: As Congress Prepares For Fiscal Cliff, the US Military Prepares For Zombie Apocalypse

Are the end of days coming in 2012? The government seems to think so.

In Senator Tom Coburn’s (R - Okla.) recent report “Safety at Any Price: Assessing the Impact of Homeland Security in U.S. Cities” he details a number of government expenditures that at first seem questionable. Most notably he outlines an instance where taxpayer money was used to pay for a zombie training exercise in California.

Now this admittedly seems like a major waste of taxpayer dollars, why would the government spend money preparing for a scenario that is so unrealistic? It wouldn’t.

Unless they know something we don’t.

Unless they know that the scenario isn’t so unrealistic.

Unless they know that someone in the world has created the zombie virus.

Suddenly it all makes sense — not just why we are practicing for zombie attacks, but everything. For example, which country has created the virus? The smart money is on Syria. For months now we’ve heard concern about whether Bashar al-Assad will use biological weapons. Have we stopped to question what these biological weapons may be? Is it any coincidence that after concern over Assad’s bio-weapons this story of zombie preparation breaks? Of course it’s not! Open your eyes, people!

Then there’s the fiscal cliff! If it were really a major problem, don’t you think Congress would have put politics aside and addressed it by now? Of course they would have, anything less would be irresponsible.

Unless, the fiscal cliff isn’t the real threat.

Seriously, think about it. What is more threatening: a fiscal cliff, or a zombie apocalypse? Which is more likely? That we are on the edge of a disaster, or that dead people are about to come to life and eat other people?

Thankfully, we are lucky enough to live in a country that has leaders with great foresight. May the year 2012 do its worst! Not only have we begun to prepare our military for a zombie attack, but we have prepared our legislators as well. Clearly they are prepared for the coming zombie attack. I mean, what are the zombies going to do to them? They’re already brainless.

How much do you trust the information in this article?

Ryan Myers

Born and raised a Hoosier, currently attending Indiana University, majoring in Speechwriting through the Individualized Major Program and also in Communication and Culture.

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