White House Death Star Petition: 6 Reasons You Should Tell Obama to Build a Death Star, TODAY

Congress dithers on the debt ceiling. Obama dithers on tax hikes. And while the clowns in Washington fail to get anything done, one courageous citizen knew what had to be done to save America.

Build a DS-1 Orbital Battle Station, better known as a Death Star.

I know what you’re thinking, and it’s perfectly understandable. Death Stars have a bad reputation — it’s completely undeserved. That’s why nearly 20,000 Americans have signed a petition at WhiteHouse.gov asking for the Obama administration to actually build one.

“By focusing our defense resources into a space-superiority platform and weapon system such as a Death Star, the government can spur job creation in the fields of construction, engineering, space exploration, and more, and strengthen our national defense,” reads the petition.

It still needs 5,000 more signatures by the close of Friday to clear the pencil-pushing bureaucrats over at the White House and move to Obama’s desk, where it will be assuredly authorized.

Here’s six reasons why you should sign the petition.                                                                                     

1) Successful completion of the Death Star would result in over 1.7 million jobs, including 343,000 crew, 286,000 support and maintenance staff, and 26,000 Imperial Stormtroopers ... err, United States Marines.

2) Think the economy needs a lil’ stimulus money to get the ball rolling on growth? A basic, no-frills Death Star would cost approximately $15.6 septillion dollars. (In ‘Earth’ terms, $852 quadrillion, or 1300 times global GDP). Also, due to its spherical shape in theory it would also roll, much like the aforementioned ball we would like to get rolling.

3) We won’t even have to raise taxes! Unlike the Iraq War, the Death Star will pay for itself via the exploitation of fearful lesser planets.

4) Obviously, Death Stars are great for national security. We would see an immediate end to the Iranian nuclear program, the North Korean ICBM program, and human dignity.

5) Building a Death Star would result in the complete annihilation of the Rebels and the remaining Jedi, ushering in a dark age of unimaginable suffering which will last for thousands of years.

6) It will be virtually indestructible.

The proposed Death Star is schedule to begin construction by 2016, whereupon either Darth Hillary or Darth Rubio, depending on who triumphs in the ritual blood combat held every 4 years in D.C. and across the nation, will be at the helm.

AMERICA! AMERICA! AMERICA!


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Tom McKay

Tom is a staff writer at Mic, covering national politics, media, policing and the war on drugs. He is based in New York and can be reached at tmckay@mic.com.

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