Doomsday is right around the corner.
A massive global conspiracy theory suggests that 6:21 a.m. EST on Friday, December 21st, will be the end of the world, supposedly predicted by the end of a Mayan calendar cycle. And while other people have been buying survival supplies, forming Apocalyptic cults, and planning massive parties, you for one reason or the other have been doing absolutely nothing.
Too late to plan, and too late to get all those things you always wanted from life before tomorrow. Fortunately, we have a last-minute bucket list prepared for you just for this occurrence. Here’s 10 things you need to do tomorrow to make it a classy doomsday.
1. Skip class, skip work, skip everything. This one is a real easy call. Even Detroit schools are getting in the act by canceling all classes for December 20th and 21st, because they pose a “serious distraction for students, teachers, administrators, and parents.” So why should you go to work, huh? Standards get to slip a little now, don’t you think? Fill up your tub and take a nice bubble bath with a handle of tequila, because your boss isn’t going to bother checking in with you while the sky is raining knives or Quetzalcoatl’s spawn overrun the earth.
Yes, yes, we all know that Quetzalcoatl was primarily an Aztec deity. But when you’re covered in three-inch-wide snake bites, poison is pumping through your veins, knives are flying at you from space, and a suspiciously inhuman little girl voice is begging you to open the front door, are you really going to have time to question the apparent historical anachronisms involved in your current predicament?
Not if you’re at work. Do your best Ferris Bueller impression on Friday.
2. But before you do that, you’re going to need to get rid of your children. NBC reports that Adolfo Gomez Jr. and Deborah Gomez of Northlake, Chicago left their children bound and blindfolded in a Walmart parking lot, supposedly in anticipation of the imminent end of the world. With all the unplanned debauchery you need to get done in the next day, you can’t have those little pipsqueaks bogging you down.
Before you break out the gags and duct tape, though, there’s an easier (and more human) solution. Just let them go! Like happy little Disney characters, they will run off into the sunset, and you can enjoy your last day on Earth without worrying about the consequences.
3. Call up NASA for a nice, healthy little rant. According to NASA spokesman Dwayne Brown, the agency is now receiving 200-300 calls a day from concerned citizens wanting to know about the end of the world. Many of the calls presumably concern the trajectory of the invisible planet Nibiru, which is predicted by many to collide with Earth at some point tomorrow. NASA dubiously claims that this can’t happen due to nebulous “scientific” claims like “everyone on Earth could [already] see it.” (Even the Vatican agrees.) Well, not me. I work in a big building all day and never look at the sky, because the sun is bright and that hurts.
Come on, when are you going to get another chance to anonymously annoy the crap out of a rocket scientist? Never. The world is ending.
4. Crash a museum party. Those pointy-headed jerks have the gall to insist that the world isn’t ending, because of their “reports” that say the “apocalypse” is a “lie.” (I hate scientists.) That’s why you should travel to Penn Museum for their “Final Countdown” event or the “Save the Last Date” party at the Houston Museum of Natural Science. Despite the event titles, they must be pretty convinced the world isn’t ending – both are cash bar. It’s doomsday, shouldn’t we get free booze?
5. Eat a KFC Double Down. Normally I couldn’t recommend eating a sandwich entirely out of nothing but fried chicken, bacon, and “cheese” in good conscience. Given the circumstances, though, your heart isn’t stopping anytime soon. Not due to the Double Down, anyway.
6. Sample your local TGI Friday’s End of the World Menu. Because if it’s your last day alive, surely you don’t have anything better to do than eat an order of “The Last First Bite” pretzel chunks or a “Final Sip” margarita, right? I know that if the world was ending, the first thing I would do is head down to my local chain restaurant. Forget saying goodbye to family, confessing your passion to your one true love, or burning all that evidence… Thank God [There Will Never Be Another] Friday!
Don't worry - their press release says "the Mayan prediction is not something Friday's took lightly."
7. Rob a bank. You know you want to. Maybe you could link up with Jose Banks, 37, or Kenneth Conley, 38, both formerly of Chicago’s Metropolitan Correctional Center until early Tuesday. Banks and Conley escaped through a five inch wide window using bedsheets tied together, and reportedly descended approximately 20 stories from the pavement. Both inmates are currently at large, and with massive snowfall hitting the Midwest, what better time to make an unauthorized withdrawal?
8. Wimping out? Try and find a safe haven. It’s OK – not all of us are ready to go yet. If you can’t afford a last-minute End of the World Pod, you can try and take an overnight flight to Sirince in Western Turkey, one of the few places rumored to survive the apocalypse. If you’re looking to run out the Apocalypse in luxury, though, you can attend the Russian Doomsday Party in former Soviet missile complex Bunker No. 42, located 56 meters under central Moscow. Feel free to max out your credit card – you won’t need it, and the entry free is a hefty $1,000. For someone wanting to beat the odds of surviving the other $6 billion people on the planet, that’s a good deal.
9. Accept the inevitable. Deny all you want, but the Mayans predicted this thousands of years ago. It’s going to happen whether you acknowledge it or not. Put on your End of the World playlist, take a deep breath, and relax. It will all be over soon. Your worries will be at an end. It will be just like going to sleep, except it probably involves you catching on fire. Oh well.
Now that you’re done thoroughly destroying your reputation, life, budget, and personal relationships – congratulations! You, like the rest of the human race, are ready to die on December 21st.
Wait… except it already passed midnight in New Zealand: