End of the World 2012: Post-Apocalypse To Do List

Well, the world didn't end yesterday. And now that today is just another day, sun still shining, world still turning, humanity still existing, I’ve got a bit of a mess to clean up.

To Do Today 

1) Tell my boss that I was totally kidding and I really, really still want my job.

2) Tell my mom that of course I take full responsibility for all of my personal failings and am fully aware that to do otherwise would be absurd. Tell her I’m sure I came out of the womb this neurotic.

3) Get tested and make sure that stranger didn’t give me AIDS on our end-of-the-world date. 

4) Buy a pregnancy test. 

5) Have a doctor check me out and make sure that cocktail of random street drugs I finally had the courage to try didn’t permanently damage my heart or brain.

6) Call my high school science teacher and apologize, tell her I don’t really hope the end of the world is “especially painful for her.” Never mind. I still mean that one, even if it’s not the end of the world yet. 

7) Go to the grocery store with a note of apology explaining that I’ve always wanted to trash a supermarket, and a blank check to cover the damage.

8) Get a second job to cover the cost of the supermarket damage, assuming I still have my first job.

9) Ask the grocery store for surveillance footage of me doing snow angels in the produce and smashing jars of tomato sauce with a baseball bat, because if I have to pay for it, I should be able to relive it.