This is the time of year for tabloid predictions: “Huge Comet Presages End Times!” “Kim Kardashian to Wed Mayor Booker!” and suchlike stupidity.
Here are my predictions for the world of American politics from now through 2016.
1. Ann Coulter Takes Long Hiatus
Seriously ... has anyone seen or heard from the Coultergeist lately? I think she might be MIA.
2. Bill and Hillary Clinton Announce Impending Grandparenthood
Well, duh! They have a married daughter and it’s high time. Madame Secretary isn’t retiring for nothing, you know. We’ll hear about this toward the end of 2013.
3. United States’ Debt Ceiling Declared a National Landmark by Congress
After telling the Tea Party faction to either contribute something constructive to the debate or shut up and go sit in the corner, Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) holds secret talks with Minority Leader Pelosi (D-Calif.) in February, 2013. Together, they sponsor a bill which declares the “debt ceiling” a National Landmark, and thus, under the protection of the Department of Interior, where the “full faith and credit of the United States of America” shall be henceforth and forever protected. President Obama awards them both the Medal of Freedom.
4. Kansas Rebels and Declares Itself Republic of Flat Earth
Governor Brownback will finally succeed in seceding, somewhere in the middle of 2015. He will oust everyone but straight, Christian, non-Latino, true-believing Second Amendment defenders from all positions in state government and close all abortion/women’s healthcare clinics in the state. He will surrounded the University of Kansas, in Lawrence, and KSU, in Manhattan, with brown-shirted shock troops (secretly financed by whichever Koch brother it is who lives in Wichita) to hold the student body and faculty hostage against invasion by the United States Army.
5. And finally, picture this one on the front page of The Daily News: Governor Christie Turns Coat to Run for Prez as a Democrat!
My Christie-crystal ball indicates this happens sometime late in 2015, after he has been re-elected Governor in 2013 and has given the Republicans whatever help he has promised to give them in the midterm elections of 2014, although he could “come out” as early as the midterms and switch parties at that time. He’ll throw his extra-large size hat into the Democratic primary ring and his considerable weight behind Mayor Cory Booker’s election as Senator … and we may just see President Christie inaugurated in January, 2017 – as a Democrat. Christie’s no political slouch – he can count votes just as well as anyone else can and there are no more Republican votes to be had than were cast for Mitt Romney last year.
Cassandra’s disclaimer: no animals were harmed in the casting of these predictions. The opinions expressed are not necessarily those held by Cassandra.