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The White House's petition website is a delightful combination of American tendencies. Our love of petition "slacktivism" combined with the internet's impressive ability to let literally anyone say anything they want — peppered with a healthy mistrust of the government —results in some truly awe-inspiring petitions.

Initially, the petition site mandated a minimum threshold of 5,000 signatures in order to get a response from a White House official. Upon quickly realizing that this was laughably easy, and that people love to sign shit, they raised the threshold to 25,000 ... now it's at 100,000 signatures within 30 days of posting.

Aside from deporting Piers Morgan and building a Death Star, let's take a look at five mind-boggling petitions. Seriously: This is the stuff your fellow Americans think about.

1. "Recognize International Talk Like a Pirate Day (September 19)"

THIS! Get on this. This petition right here is some important stuff — after all, International Talk Like a Pirate Day "has been observed on every continent (including Antarctica)." If that's not worthy of White House attention, then I've lost all faith in Internet petitions (and I love Internet petitions).

2. "No More Gun Control"

Because why the hell not?

3. "Have the Attorney General investigate for deceptive, bullying, and shoddy practices"

I feel like someone needs to let them know that headlines are important. Regardless, the petition starter claims that "Yelp is filtering good reviews while allowing bad reviews to show up for companies that don’t advertise with them," although I'm not convinced that this is something the Obama administration will respond to ... Amirite?

4. "Officially recognize the Sasquatch as an indigenous species and have them lawfully protected by laws banning any hunting"


5. "Teach public school children the truth: ANTI-RACIST IS A CODE WORD FOR ANTI-WHITE!"

There are no words: "White countries world wide are being flooded with third world non-whites, and Whites are forced by law to integrate with them so as to 'assimilate,' i.e. intermarry and be blended out of existence."