Nation's Fraternities Finally Come Out As Gay

In a development that hardly came as a shock to many, on Friday the nation's college fraternities released a joint statement announcing that they are in fact, gay. 

The brief statement read, 

We, the members of America’s college fraternities, can no longer maintain this charade. It is with great relief that we reveal of what many of you already assume.

We are gay. 

It’s not a big deal or anything. We just thought it was time we let everyone know. I mean, we are in Greek fraternities, so this probably doesn’t come as a surprise to anyone.

Sincerely,

Brett Harper

President, Fraternities of American Greeks

While Harper could not be reached for further comment, his assistant, Ethan Hughes, elaborated on the press release:

“It was just time, you know dude? I mean, it’s like, whatever. There are only so many times you can smack another bro’s nutsack without wondering why, you know? Like this one time Brett and I were getting ready to go out to hunting for chicks at bars, but we decided we just wanted to stay home and hit each other’s asses with a paddle and call each other queer.” 

The nation's fraternities have long been criticized for their obsessive binge-drinking, explicit racism, and overt sexism. The recent announcement came as a surprise to at least one pledge at Dartmouth College who insisted we call him by his pledge name, Scudz. 

“No way. I’m all about the pussy,” insisted Scudz.

When pressed for comment about why he wished to join a fraternity in the first place, Scudz explained, “I just can’t wait to have like a-hundred bros by my side, always. You know? Like, I know, when I shit and vomit on myself, some bro is going to be there to help me clean up — that’s a true bro.”

Scudz suddenly stopped our interview after a ranking member of the fraternity came up behind him and de-pantsed him. 

Dr. Bart Egglesworth of Yale University has spent the past 20 years studying fraternities. His groundbreaking book, On the Homoerotics Of Greek Life was a New York Times best seller. Egglesworth explained some of his findings: 

“We’ve known this for almost a century, it dates back to pre-WWI. But, I think it’s great they feel the freedom to finally admit that sexuality is fluid. I mean just look at the masturbation contests, the simulated and real sexual acts, being covered in oil and forced to wrestle one another. Brothers vent their sexual interest on one another by using male dominance and homophobia to repel any notions of homoerotic tendencies.”

In recent years hazing scandals involving abuse by fraternities have garnered national attention and outrage. It is unclear if the press release is a response to the prolonged media spotlight on the behavior of fraternities. 

The latent homosexuality of fraternities has been the subject of many books. Males in fraternities have long used homophobic language and abide by strict gender binaries

The president of Sigma Alpha Epsilon at the University of Alabama commented on his blog regarding the release of the statement:

“Dudes. Come On. These homophobic and homoerotic behaviors are the only way for us to maintain power within our organization, on campus and within society. The only benefit of frats is that when we get out of college we can use our brotherhood to gain favor among the other white men who have been ritually abused and humiliated. That’s how we get jobs.”

Whether or not the announcement will impact this year's upcoming pledge class remains to be seen. Schmidity Hinsdale, a freshman at Stanford, said he still had every intention of pledging and did not expect the announcement to change anything between the brothers.

"As long as we still get to shower together, I'm fine with it."

How much do you trust the information in this article?

Andrea Ayres-Deets

PM Politics Intern- M.A. in Writing from the University of Warwick. Lover of sci-fi, awkward situations, and coffee.

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