Watch the Oscars Online: LIVE Updates On the Winners and Nominees

Start paying attention to Awards Season now because ...

Oscar is here!

Heeeere's Oscaaaar!

The Oscars are upon us!

Ahem, this isn't coming out right. Mr. Pistorius ruined everything.

Allegedly.

Let me take it from the top: Start paying attention to Awards Season now because ...

The Academy Awards are about to happen. Sunday Night on ABC, to be exact.

While the Blade Runner sits alone in a brick box thinking about his miserable existence, the rest of us will be watching real trophies handed about to the real people who pretended to be other people — some real, some fake — in the most convincing ways.

In other words, this is gonna be Daniel Day-Lewis Hour; everybody take notes.

Really though, what a year for motion pictures. I loved everything, and I loved how everyone portrayed everyone. And I love how everything was directed and scored and animated and obnoxiously promoted perfectly.

The only thing I don't love is Seth MacFarlane hosting the show.

So stick with me here as I ignore him while telling you guys about all the things happening in my brain during the show.

I might even tell you things like:

The only scene during which I cried.

The only actress I would marry on the spot without caring at all about how secretly bat-guano crazy she probably is.

The outfit I'm wearing on the green carpet (that rests in front of my television).

Why Zero Dark Thirty is so much better than Argo.

My big idea: Writing a screenplay about the story of the CIA's clandestine operation to rig the 2013 winners for the sake of freaking America, ya'll.

Get. Ready.

We'll also be posting a live stream as soon as it becomes available. Awesome.