It's that time of year again, when Hollywood's finest gather to pat themselves on the back for a job done in contributing to the vast body of work that is American cinema — most of which is complete trash. But the Academy Awards are supposed to represent the absolute cream of the American movie crop. You'll find no Krulls, Shark Attack 3s or English Patients here.
Wait, what's that? English Patient actually won the Oscar for Best Picture for 1996? Ok, so maybe some trash gets through, but generally the films here aren't terrible.
Regardless, the Oscars is a three hour-long affair, and unfortunately for those in attendance, there is no sanctioned drinking either before or during the event. Luckily, you the viewer have no such problem. From the comfort of your own couch, you will be able to drink for yourself and as many poor sober actors as you want. So to assist you in this endeavor, here's a handy drinking guide. Although this is hardly the only drinking game published for this year's Oscars, this is the only one specifically designed to get you highly intoxicated, and to make the 85th Academy Awards one you'll definitely forget.
Drink for the amount of time specified if...
The Gimmees (2 seconds)
Someone thanks the Academy
There's a screenshot of George Clooney
Someone cries or chokes up
Daniel Day-Lewis wins Best Actor
Jennifer Lawrence looks unbelievable
The Probables (3 seconds)
Silver Linings Playbook wins any award
A winner asks, "Who else?" when thanking people in their acceptance speech
A winner mentions how hard they've worked
Someone makes a joke about an actor with a troubled past
The Questionables (5 seconds)
Seth MacFarlane sings
Jack Nicholson makes a weird face at the camera during a crowd shot
Steven Spielberg wins Best Director
Ben Affleck gives douchey acceptance speech for Argo
The Doubtfuls/Blackout Inducers (10 Seconds)
Someone gets booed
Seth MacFarlane does a "Stewie" impression
Zombie Apocalypse (Drink all the booze you have and run!)
Jack Palance rises from the dead and declares Marissa Tomei Best Supporting Actress