Tommy Lee-Jones joke: check. "Let's start trying to make Tommy Lee-Jones laugh."
Argo snub joke: check. "So secret, the identity of the director has been hidden." Isn't that the Gigli guy?
Self-deprecating jokes about hosting: check. "Everybody else turned it down, from Whoopi Goldberg down to Ron Jeremy. Then me." Porn jokes!
Didn't see this one coming: Jean Dujardin jokes. But I loved it. "His is a Hollywood story as old as time: couldn't make it in the talkies."
Django Unchained: "The screenplay is loosely based on Mel Gibson's voicemail." Wonder if he's at the ceremony.
William Shatner calls Seth MacFarlane: "Worst Oscars host ever... Why couldn't they get Tina and Amy to host the show?"
And now a song about all the boobs we've seen in the movies. Song title: "We Saw Your Boobs". Sung by "The Gay Men's Chorus of Los Angeles". I'm sold. "I'm not actually a member of that chorus..." Shatner: "Trust me, in July 2015, you join that chorus."
Now Channing Tatum and Charlize Theron are dancing and I'm not laughing. Hopefully the jokes resume soon.
"A reenactment of the movie Flight made entirely with handpuppets." They do cocaine and drink nips. Thank goodness for jokes. "C'mon, Denzel doesn't care... he did all those Nutty Professor movies!"
Another song-and-dance with Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Daniel Radcliffe. Not funny in the slightest.
Shatner: "Are you sure you wanna be the first Oscar host to get a bad review?" SHATNER, DO YOU NOT REMEMBER JAMES FRANCO?!?
MacFarlane to Sally Field: "C'mon, you know they're gonna give it to Anne Hathaway."
Another song-and-dance, this one called "Be Our Guest," SETH PLEASE STOP THIS MADNESS
And the opening is over. Phew. Now onto the awards. Wait, there are awards?