Every year, there's an Oscars hangover. Sometimes it's "did we just give Crash Best Picture?" and sometimes it's "James Franco was way better as Daniel Desario than Oscars host." For years like that, we all wake up with a splitting Oscars headache, turbulent Oscars nausea, and sometimes even Oscars shakes. This year: not so bad.
A lot of really great things happened. Argo made Oscars history by de-coupling the Best Picture and Best Director categories entirely for the first time since 1989's Driving Miss Daisy (this was really important). Seth MacFarlane had some solid jokes, and one awesome song about boobs. Adele rocked our socks off, prompting my favorite tweet of the night: "Dude, you're getting Adele!" But then there were some moments that made my Oscars liver hurt:
- Nate Silver, America's genius-celebre, went 4-for-6 on predictions for the evening. We as a nation are no longer as smart.
- Kristen Stewart's appearance and demeanor reminded us that cocaine is alive and well in Hollywood.
- Russell Crowe sang. Which means whoever produced that show saw Les Mis and thought, "What America needs is more of that." That wasn't a 'hangover' moment. That was a 'this hurts right now' moment.
- Charlize Theron and Dustin Hoffman looked like a Nazi propaganda poster for Aryan supremacy over the Jews.
- Michelle Obama gave us a break from self-important people by giving us a healthy dose of politics ... Can we get back to the Oscars now, please?
- Chicago was unofficially added to the Oscars canon, as Catherine Zeta-Jones sang (ew), and Renee Zellweger helped present an award (double ew).
- Zero Dark Thirty walked away with ... half an Oscar, after tying with Skyfall in the Sound Editing category.
- Quentin Tarantino sprayed spittle on the front row.
- Ben Affleck got emotional during his acceptance speech. He didn't mention Matt Damon or Gigli.
- Christoph Waltz got his second Oscar for his role as Colonel Hans Landa in Inglourious Basterds. Wait, what? That guy in Django wasn't the same? For a second, I thought it was a time-travel sequel because it seemed to me like he played the same character...
- Brave won Best Animated Feature Film. It got a 78% on Rotten Tomatoes. For a Pixar movie, that's a D+. On the other hand, Wreck-It-Ralph was pretty awesome. What happened?
Those are the things making my Oscars temples throb and my Oscars vision sensitive. There was no Roberto Benigni, no James Franco, no Marisa Tomei, and no Crash. All in all, a good year. At the very least, I don't have that "I'm never watching the Oscars again" feeling like I do most years.