5 People You Are Destined to Meet On Spring Break

In theory, spring break is a week for college students to catch up on their studies, visit home, and return to school rested and ready to tackle the final leg of the semester. In reality, it’s a rage-fest to catch up on your drinking, forget to call your parents, and return to campus exhausted with bad tan lines. While it may be a week off from school, do yourself a favor and study up: here’s a guide to the five people you’re likely to meet on spring break:

1. The Professional


The Professional has been doing spring break since high school. A seasoned veteran, their diverse résumé includes destinations ranging from Cabo to the Dominican Republic to Daytona. They know the do’s and don’ts, the bartenders and bouncers, the best bargains and coolest clubs. Their expertise can help you enjoy an awesomely stereotypical spring break. But be warned: along with that wealth of knowledge and resources comes a collection of unbelievable (because they didn’t happen) stories involving D-list celebrities and the charming tendency to start sentences with, “This is cool, but last year’s spring break … ”

Bottom line: Useful in specific situations, but be ready to jump ship. Or better yet, throw them overboard once they get you onto the booze cruise.

2. The Blackout Queen


She’s gonna drink and dance like there’s no tomorrow. This little lady is part Lindsay Lohan, part Courtney Love, and all train wreck, easily spotted by her runny mascara and torn clothing. Drunk before dawn, falling over by brunch, and rallying again by sundown, she could convince you that projectile vomiting in the corner of a bar is the new standard for fun. By week’s end, she’s photo-bombed most of your pictures and flipped off every bouncer at least once.

Bottom line: She’s great for a pregame, but get her a cab and a sweatshirt, pleeeease.

3. The Unattached Attached Person


They’ll dangle the possibility of "something happening" all week, while never mentioning their boyfriend/girlfriend except to say s/he couldn't make it because they're building houses in Ecuador or finishing their honors thesis on the plight of the polar bear. The Unattached Attached Person insists they were “dragged on spring break," but then proceeds to have an awesome week sans steady squeeze. They’ll flirt with you non-stop, text about getting together, and wander over to your beach umbrella during the day. You might even come up with your own beer pong handshake. And in between the third fist pound and fifth high-five, you'll wonder how you found someone so special.

Bottom line: Yes, you are an amazing person, but to them, you’re ultimately there to stroke their ego and slather sunblock on their back (especially those hard-to-reach places). Even your impressive ability to trade Anchorman quotes isn’t enough to keep their attention. This person is not your next great love, they’re your next tolerable conversation. Move on and don’t feel bad.

4. The Sad Family Guy


You usually meet this guy at the local CVS. He seems fun, so you're just about to mention karaoke night at Delilah's when a younger look-alike approaches and says, "Did you get SPF 50? Mom said she won't buy any unless it's 50," and you realize you've met the only person who truly was dragged here: Sad Family Guy. Your new almost-friend shuffles away, embarrassed, and you're left in aisle three to question why their parents thought Panama City Beach was the best place for the family to reconnect. The next time you see Sad Family Guy, he’s gazing longingly at your flip cup game and scantily clad peers while his mom applies 50 to the back of his neck. You wonder why he doesn’t just sneak out of their shared hotel room, but then realize he probably had to go to bed early in order to wake up at 4 a.m. for an all-day whale-watching tour.

Bottom line: Be a friend. They need a night out!

5. The Leech


No one's really sure how he found out where the pregame is or how he knows everyone's names - 'cause you guys still don’t know his - but he's latched himself onto your group of friends like those leeches attached themselves to Willem Dafoe in Speed 2: Cruise Control. Who’s he here with? You may never know. This guy is crashing in your bed while you sleep on the couch, forcing himself into the middle of every photo, and giving nicknames to all his “new friends.” Catchphrases include "I love you guys," "Remember when we ... ?" and "I'll get next round, I promise."

Bottom line: While his attachment skills are impressive, make him the guy behind the camera, not in front of it. And give him a nickname. May I suggest The Leech?

Be safe, employ the buddy system, and enjoy your week off!

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Katie Kirnan

Katie Kirnan lives in Los Angeles and enjoys speaking in the third person. She likes dogs, frozen yogurt, and Calvin & Hobbes, and feels a little bad for cropping her friend out of this photo. She is a non-gymnast tumblr at www.havingsaidthis.tumblr.com and Tweets sometimes at @katiekirnan.

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