Blue Ivy Carter is already taking over Brooklyn.
While out and about with her mom, Beyoncé the other day, Blue Ivy stopped traffic, froze the internet, and stole our collective hearts — all while being totally zonked out, wearing adorable Timberland boots, and not even caring about anything generally. Girl's not even a congressional term old, yet she's the hippest earthling on the planet. Once she consumes Brooklyn with an unstoppable Gerber-graduate-powered gravitational pull, Blue Ivy will move on to bigger, grander achievements.
What achievements exactly? I'm glad I asked myself that question.
1. Sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star at the Grammys
Blue Ivy shuts the show down with her rendition of this classic hit. In fact, the Grammy folks probably cancel all future shows forever and just give her all of the trophies.
2. Star in a reality show with Kate Middleton's unborn child
Season one begins with Blue Ivy teaching the royal still-in-utero baby her mom's Single Ladies dance (or her dad's diamond sign if it's a boy) and concludes with Blue Ivy delivering the baby in a pinch. Kimye guest stars in season two, of course, and public temper tantrums send ratings through the roof.
3. Sign Nas to Roc Nation and inspire him to create Thrillmatic
While Jay-Z and Nas beefed and then reconciled years ago, their relationship still offers intrigue. Jay signed Nas to Def Jam before he left to start Roc Nation, but Nasty still hasn't lived up to Illmatic. Until Blue Ivy, that is.
4. Buy the San Diego Chargers and bring them to Brooklyn as the Dodgers
One-upping Papa Carter, Blue Ivy cracks open her piggy bank, buys a 1% stake, and employs her celeb status to woo Philip Rivers and company to a newly built stadium at 560 State Street. Move over Eli.
5. Spark a new trend of adults wearing children's clothing
Seriously, those Timberland boots were delightful — mostly because they were so teeny on her tiny feet. This eventually stirs Brooklyn folks to buy the same boots. Like, exactly the same. Size and everything.
6. Paint a masterpiece
It's already in the works. It's a finger painting, and it's called " The Blue Print." Expect two or three more in the series.
7. Re-open Ellis Island
Our warming planet is existentially threatening humanity; Blue knows this. However, she also knows that the only thing more powerful than Hurricane Sandy is herself. And history is important to her.
8. Actually ban all sodas over 16 ounces in New York City
Just because she can. She's obviously more powerful than Mayor Michael Bloomberg.
9. Rock the vote
Best believe she's going to get herself as involved in politics as her parents, if not more. I can hear her now, "Corwy Booger for pwezident, evwybuddy."
I mean, this is America. All rich ten-year-olds ought be able read at an appropriate age level.
Blue Ivy, you go, girl. We're all watching closely from our cubicles, because we're bored and our own lives are equally sleepy but less thrilling.