Trailers! Remember when we only watched them in theaters? Barely. Thanks to the internet — which is mystically powered by either the X-gene, the remnants of a dead star, or raw shots of testosterone — you can now glimpse into the future of cinema whenever you want. Let’s see what kind of future it will be.
1. The Wolverine
Are you still wounded by the horrible X-Men Origins: Wolverine? You think you are, but then you hit play on this trailer and have the out of body experience that is your cinematic wounds healing in synchronization with your growing anticipations. You're asking all the right questions. Are the production delays not indicative of this being a Hollywood bowel movement? Will this film finally capture the juxtaposition in Wolverine's fragile mind and unbreakable body by flipping those traits and then flipping them back (seems like that's the plan)? Will the Hugh Jackman memoir end up being nothing but a chronological narrative of his diet regimen for each movie? I knew you thought these things because I thought them too. Then I texted Jackman to ask him the most important question.
DR: "Holla Hugh! Was the goal for this movie to get shredded like mozz cheeze?"
HJ: "Hotter than the sand, bigger than the ocean. #beachbody."
DR: "LMFAO! Hashtags look like you crossed yo claws."
C'mon, people. It's not like a movie plot about the pain of immortality is being too heavy handed. Let's give Jackman as Wolverine another chance. Who doesn't believe in fifth chances?
It's Vin Diesel like you've definitely seen him before! I like to imagine that there's an alternate reality where Riddick lives on the wrong side of a sun scorched earth and trains using Miyagi-esque techniques to hone his skills in an unprecedented quest to win 17 WSOP bracelets. In a mere 20 seconds, Riddick displays quick but controlled hands, sphinx-like eyes hidden behind thick goggles, and an expressionless stoicism at an impending torturous death. You think this guy sweats seeing a 7-8-10 flop. Take a hike, Phil Hellmuth!
What did we learn about the movie? It looks like Vin will continue to play a one dimensional leading man in a trilogy I've enjoyed about as much as I enjoy slightly old beef jerky. So yeah, I'm looking forward to it.
3. White House Down
Originally I was baffled that White House Down could come out so close to Olympus Has Fallen, but then I thought, how great would it be if studios went head to head with the exact same idea like this for every movie. Yep, two of the exact same elevator pitch tweaked only by cast and crew. If you left it at that, it would suck, but here's the kicker, all the profits of both movies go to the higher grossing movie. Wouldn't the competition drive a superior quality? Wouldn't a studio stop assuming you're a jackass by allowing words like "The director of Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow, and 2012" to appear in their trailers? Wouldn't they just never let Gerard Butler act in any roles where he's not a Spartan king? I like Jamie Foxx, and Channing Tatum is doing good marketing work for the men of this world. Let's just slide this thing out the anus of Hollywood, put a B- on it and remind ourselves that we had nothing better to do on a Wednesday night anyway.
4. Pain & Gain (Red Band Trailer)
I was stoked for Pain & Gain after the first trailer, but this! This is how you do a red band trailer! It's been a while since I said it, but kudos to Michael Bay. The trailer feels like an accurate portrayal of the movies tone and tempo, and that tone and tempo is enjoyable as hell! I don't even have jokes. Right now, with apologies to Tony Stark, this is the movie I'm most excited for in 2013.
It scared me a little bit that this trailer had me thinking of Jason Statham as a real actor instead of the guy who gave us Death Race, In the Name of the King, and two Crank movies. But the truth is that I've always liked Statham. He's just cool, and his IMDB bio only makes him cooler (black market salesman?). The thing that sold this for me is that it's written and directed by Steven Knight, the same guy responsible for Dirty Pretty Things and Eastern Promises. Suffice to say, Knight can effectively drag an audience down to the grittier underside of London, and the fact that he's strapping us to the most charismatic English action star this side of James Bond to do it has me riveted.