Like summer, the new season of Game of Thrones is coming. The first episode hits March 31, and there are plenty of things fan are looking forward to this season. As someone who has read the books already … well, I’m not going to spoil anything.
But if you’re a real citizen of Westeros, no doubt you’ll be looking forward to any of these things to come to pass this season. Spoilers for the past two seasons follow, so if you haven’t been swept up in the nationwide phenomena that is Game of Thrones, please rethink your life’s direction, get on HBO GO — or pirate the show, it’s not like I care which — and come back. (Also, because internet commenters are terrible people, I’d be wary of perusing the comments section.)
1. Joffery Needs to Die
It’s the most obvious desire of any GoT fan. Joffery, the petulant, sociopathic, depraved boy-king atop the kingdom of Westeros has to die. He’s responsible for the death of Sansa’s wolf, ordered the death of Ned Stark, brutalized prostitutes, mismanaged his city into abject poverty, physically and psychologically tormented Sansa, and when faced with an actual threat in Stannis and his army, wet himself at the Battle of the Blackwater. (I’m embellishing here, but Monty Python fans should appreciate the reference.) He’s a little bastard who masks his own cowardice through cruelty, and he needs to go. If Robb Stark could take his head off, awesome. But we’d settle for Stannis … or Tyrion … or Arya … or Sansa … hell, we’d settle for Joffery slipping on a banana peel and falling off a castle wall if it meant Westeros would be rid of him.
2. Cersei Needs to Die, Too
She’s not as bad as Joffery, but she enables his every action and molded him into what he’s become. Driven as much by maliciousness as a desire for absolute power, Cersei’s ruthlessness and shortsighted strategies have caused untold suffering in her kingdom. She tried to kill Tyrion, who, in addition to being the most awesome television character not named Omar Little, is one of the main reasons Cersei managed to survive last season.
3. Tyrion Needs to Switch Sides
Tyrion hates his family, with the exception of his brother Jamie. While his sense of honor and his own ego might prevent him from either turning on his family or allowing someone else to kill of his sister and father, it would make a lot of sense to acquire some help if he does intend to dispose of them. Considering his sister just attempted to dispose of him and his father stole all the credit for his victory and systematically dismantled what power Tyrion possessed, it’d be understandable if he were inclined to exact a bit of vengeance.
4. Stannis and Robb Need to Make An Alliance
Tyrion aside, the Lannisters have to go. And while Robb Stark’s been doing a pretty solid job on his part so far, he’s just managed to alienate one of his significant allies – the Freys – through a hasty marriage. However, he might just be able to turn this situation around; Stannis Baratheon just lost the vast majority of his fleet and is in dire need of soldiers who are not made of shadows and amniotic fluid. An alliance between the two would probably be enough to topple the Lannisters for good. Still, there’s that whole issue of Stannis insisting Robb is guilty of treason for declaring the North independent from the realm. But before this might happen…
5. Robb Needs to Rebuild Winterfell
Look, winning a war doesn’t mean much if you’ve got nothing to go home to. And right now, Robb and Catelyn Stark don’t have that. Winterfell got torched by some pissed off Iron Islanders, and is now a smoldering wreck with no one left to inhabit it. Yes, the war has to be won in the South. But Robb’s fighting a war of independence more than conquest, and that won’t matter if he doesn’t have a castle to call his own.
6. Daenerys Needs to Get Back to Westeros
Well, first Daenerys kind of needs an army. Or larger dragons. So maybe this can wait a bit. But still, she’s at the other end of the world right now, detached from virtually all of the events in Westeros right now. It’s about high time she comes back, right? Either that, or have a character go out to meet her. Just don’t leave Dany doing her own thing out by her lonesome.
7. Jon, Sam and the Rest Of the Night’s Watch Need to Get Back to the Wall
Jon Snow’s captured, so he’ll have a tougher time with this. Although Sam, Grenn, Edd and Commander Mormont are surrounded by snow zombies and ice demons … so maybe they have the tougher time. It’s not going to be a walk in the park is what I’m getting at here. Still, you can’t argue that being behind or on top of an 800 foot wall sounds like the best way to deal with snow zombies, so they should probably get on that right about now.
8. There Does Not Need to Be Less Nudity
Some people complain about the excessive nudity in Game of Thrones. Those people are ignorant prudes. Nudity is awesome, even when it isn’t really necessary. Especially when it isn’t really necessary. End of story.
9. Winter Needs to Come
We’ve been hearing “winter is coming” since season one. It’s about damn time it actually got here.
Will any of these things actually happen? You'll just have to wait and see. (OK, so it's probably a safe bet the nudity is going to happen.) Did I miss anything? Of course I did. Feel free to complain about it in the comments below. And for those who have read the books, please refrain from being terribly immature and spoiling anything. Cool? Cool.