April Fools 2013: Pranks Nobody Has the Cojones to Pull

April Fools is a day to play pranks on each other, but throughout its history these pranks have been pretty tame, if you think about it. Some people will turn their site upside down, some will dump a truckload of money on a fake trailer of a famous video-game to entice the nerds (I'm still heartbroken it wasn't true), some will create an installation with their new subway system design to look like the front car has burst out of the ground.

That's all very cute and fun and, to be honest, a little too safe. I think it's time for people to go really for broke on April Fools. I want to see tasteless and blue, I want to see the kind of dedication to comedy that will ruin a guy's reputation forever, and make everyone around him absolutely miserable. Here's the kind of pranks I'd like to see on the coming April Fools Day:

- Donald Trump breaks down in tears during an interview and says he's tired of being victimized by the media just because he's richer and better than everyone else.

- Mel Gibson apologizes for not keeping his racism private.

- The astronauts on the space station kill their camera feed and send a distress signal to Earth requiring immediate assistance, and when the rescuers get there, the astronauts flash their asses at them and yell “WELCOME TO THE MOON, SUCKERS!”

- CNN airs a fake story on the evening news about how the U.S. is declaring war on some random country, like Greenland or what have you.

- Jack Black does an entire Tenacious D concert wearing blackface while acting out crude racial stereotypes, and claims he's doing it to honor his family's heritage.

- China demands the U.S. Pay all its outstanding debts to them immediately or they'll bust the kneecaps of every single American Citizen with a baseball bat.

- Courtney Love produces a hitherto unheard-of portion of Kurt's suicide letter where he says the real reason he's killing himself is because he has a small penis.

- The SEC announces they'll start investigating whether or not Hasbro's Monopoly Money counts as counterfeit.

- KFC reveals all of the eleven herbs and spices are illegal drugs.

- Disneyworld says they keep the lost kids to themselves and return a similar-looking midget to the parents.

- George Lucas leaks the information that there's a single frame of full-frontal nudity hidden somewhere in one of the Star Wars films. They then reveal the one going naked is James Earl Jones.

- Chuck Hagel says he'll only start taking Kim-Jong Un seriously after he gets out of the Porky Pig costume.

- Pope Francis I reveals he was actually Jonathan Pryce all along.

- Nicholas Cage does something normal.

Those would be real April Fools pranks.

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To clarify, this article is entirely satirical and I don't really want any of that to actually happen. But if it does, I expect royalties.