Susan Patton's Guide to Finding a Husband

Apparently, there aren't any men worth marrying who don't go to the best schools in the country. 

I am a 21-year-old Ivy League female. In one year, I will be graduating, which means that according to Susan Patton, I have one year left to find a husband, because GOD forbid I marry someone who isn't from the Ivy League, or even Top 10. Poor Susan, who married so far beneath her! Why bother reading Homer or Ovid if my husband will just be a belly-scratching plebe who I met in a bar instead of at a seminar? I've compiled a list of helpful tools for my fellow single white females to find their husbands and be set for life, so that we don't end up divorced.

Susan Patton's Guide to Finding a Husband:

1. Go to an Ivy League school. Take piano lessons, start a club, become editor-in-chief or student body president, have your parents write your essay. If you don't get into Princeton, at least go to Penn. If you can't afford any of the prerequisites or your four year, multi hundred thousand dollar tuition, please stop reading now.

2. Sign up for all economics, business, naval history, and Victorian literature classes to optimize your exposure to feasible future husbands. No engineers unless, you know, they're white.

3. Find yourself a Judeo-Christian (eat-a-bagel-over-Passover-because-you-forgot-Jewish or CEO Christian; no peyot or Bible groups). He should have a suitable major (please, not art history) and preferably be from the Northeast or at least Chicago. Make sure he's not on financial aid, or even better if he has a library with his name on it. Only date an international student if he's the last Habsburg standing. (No athletes — he may be cute but beauty fades, and after all, that GPA won't get him a financially viable job that will allow you to stay at home painting your toenails while the nanny picks up your kids from XYZ Country Day School and you can call yourself a housewife feminist for fulfilling gender roles stereotypes.)

4. Help him write his cover letters to exclusively brand name acronym companies, like CNN or JPM or the ACLU. 

5. Marry him, so that you can wake up every morning and sing your school's fight song to each other in your his & hers towels.

After all, you'll never find your Prince Charming on an airplane, at a friend's birthday party, or even in grad school. (In grad school, you could find yourself a foreigner who went to state school, as my mother did; heaven forbid!) You won't meet him at a job, or in line at TKTS, or at a parade. Nope. 

I've got one year left. Rather than write my thesis, I think I'll start taking applications for my own Susan Patton Approved Husband. 

How much do you trust the information in this article?

Daniela Quintanilla

Daniela recently graduated from Columbia University where she served on the managing board of the Columbia Daily Spectator and was an opinion editor and columnist. She has previously contributed to PolitickerNJ.com and served a term as editor in chief of Inside New York.

MORE FROM

Warrant suggests Justine Damond may have slapped police cruiser before she was fatally shot

The officers involved in the shooting remain on paid administrative leave.

House passes new sanctions against Russia by an enormous margin

The bill also places limits on Trump’s power to ease or end penalties against Russia.

Paul Manafort is meeting with Senate investigators. Here’s what we know about his Russia ties.

Paul Manafort has Russia links dating back more than 10 years.

Yes, Donald Trump can fire Robert Mueller. Here’s how he can do it.

It's a complicated process, and it could get messy, but he can do it.

Charlie Gard’s parents say they want to take their son home to die

The parents are returning to court to fight for their right to take their son home.

Vatican shuts off historic fountains in the midst of devastating drought

Officials say it's the first time they can recall ever shutting off the Vatican's fountains.

Warrant suggests Justine Damond may have slapped police cruiser before she was fatally shot

The officers involved in the shooting remain on paid administrative leave.

House passes new sanctions against Russia by an enormous margin

The bill also places limits on Trump’s power to ease or end penalties against Russia.

Paul Manafort is meeting with Senate investigators. Here’s what we know about his Russia ties.

Paul Manafort has Russia links dating back more than 10 years.

Yes, Donald Trump can fire Robert Mueller. Here’s how he can do it.

It's a complicated process, and it could get messy, but he can do it.

Charlie Gard’s parents say they want to take their son home to die

The parents are returning to court to fight for their right to take their son home.

Vatican shuts off historic fountains in the midst of devastating drought

Officials say it's the first time they can recall ever shutting off the Vatican's fountains.