Men of America, your long national nightmare has ended.
Men were tired of trying to eat yogurt in pastel colored packages. Men needed something new, something fresh, something just for them. Enter "Powerful Yogurt," with its trademark bullhorns you know this yogurt means business. It’s none of that feminine flowery yogurt crap. This bacteria filled yogurt is packed with a 20-grams of protein punch, for your man-parts!
The makers of this yogurt apparently have such low opinions of men that they believe rebranding yogurt to have a more masculine feel will give them an edge in the competitive yogurt market. I’m calling this out as some sexist b/s Powerful Men Inc. Yes, Powerful Men Inc. is the actual name of the company behind Powerful Yogurt.
If nothing else, the invention of this yogurt gave me some other ideas of products that need to undergo a process of what I will call "mannification"
The one that started it all:
Yogurt - Powerful Yogurt
See, men can now eat the thick goo without having to sacrifice their bro-cred. Because we all know yogurt will make you grow a vagina.
Tea - Leaf Beer
A man’s man, a real bro doesn’t drink tea. You want to know what he will drink though? Leaf Beer. Now with more hops, or something.
Apron - Swag Cloak
I don’t care what a real bro is making in the kitchen, he’s not going to wear an apron. No. A real man deserves something better, something that says, “I’m better than you, because I’m a man and I won’t wear things that I attribute feminine characteristics to.”
Cats - House Lions
When a real man thinks of cats, he thinks of that annoying animal his friends with breasts have. But wait, what’s this? A house lion? You mean the King of the Jungle? Killer of animals large and small? The bloodthirsty warrior? Why yes, I will take a house lion, in fact, I'll take two.
Oatmeal - Pure Fuel
You give a bro some oatmeal and he’s going to be all like, “Ugh it’s the texture, it’s a texture thing.” Well, not anymore. Pure Fuel has got everything the modern man wants and then some. Fiber, grains, and it's totally customizable? Why that's like a car you can eat!
Tofu - Bacon of the Soil
Bros aren’t about to eat some pressed soybean crap okay? It’s soft, it’s pale, and it’s lumpy. It violates the three major tenants of bro-dom. Bacon of the Soil. Now that’s something our flannel wearing friends can chow down on and feel proud about.
“What’s that Chet? You want that with a side of Soil Bacon? No prob’s dude, no prob’s.”
This is only the beginning, think of the empire we will create together. Just you, me, and Free Enterprise.