5 Things to Never Ask a Vegan (Unless You Want to Get Your Forehead Popped)

So you want to become a vegan.

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No? Well you must want to date a vegan. Be friends with a vegan? Fine, I’ll start over:

So you want to know how a vegan survives on a diet of carrots, lettuce, and the energy of the universe. I can tell you from personal experience, it’s no cakewalk. I’m underfed, always tired, and constantly jealous of my friends who are always eating awesome stuff like fish eggs and cow tongues and pickled pig’s feet and whatnot.

I’m bullsh*tting, of course. I’ve been a vegan for six years now, and I pretty much look like this:

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This is real, people. There’s all kinds of dumb sh*t you think about vegans that’s basically the most ignorant sh*t ever, and I’m here to set (some of) the record straight. That’s right: I’ve personally taken it upon myself to go over the most basic (read: stupid) questions we get asked by the pooh-butts who don’t know better. I’m doing this so I never have to hear you ask again.

You’re welcome.

Here are five questions that should never eek from between your greasy chicken-licking lips again, unless you want to get popped on the forehead by an irritated vegan.

1. What’s a vegan?

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Come on now, for real? OK I’ll humor you: a vegan is someone who doesn’t consume animal products (including meat, fish, dairy, and eggs). This isn’t always exclusive to diet, as many vegans also refuse to purchase products (like leather or silk) that are made from animals or animal products.

There are different kinds of veganism as well: raw foodists, for example, don’t eat anything that’s been cooked. It’s a time consuming yet (believe it or not) extremely rewarding diet. I tried it for a while once and never felt better.

And no, vegans do not eat fish, you clown (you’d be shocked how often I get asked this).

2. Why are you a vegan?

Because I f*cking feel like it. Mind your damn business.

Just kidding. There are plenty of reasons to go vegan: maybe you take issue with the cruel, exploitative, and unsanitary factory farming industry. Maybe you want to lose weight or lower your blood pressure or cholesterol. Maybe your compassion extends beyond human beings into the animal kingdom. Maybe you’re intelligent. The list goes on.

3. What can you eat?

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If you know what a vegan is, logic dictates you should have no trouble figuring out what a vegan eats: anything that doesn’t have animal products in it. With a little creativity, there’s an endless barrage of delicious dishes you can cook up, incorporating vegetables, fruits, grains, nuts and legumes (for protein), and if you’re into it, any of the surprisingly tasty meat replacements on the market today. The possibilities are literally endless (within the parameters, of course).

4. Don’t you miss bacon?

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F*ck no. Or like Jules said: “I don’t dig on swine.”

5. How do you do it? I tried for two days and then had to have a hamburger (etc.):

Seriously bud, that’s some weak-ass rudimentary pooh-butt sh*t. It’s really not hard if you put in the effort. And yes, it does take effort at first. But like any habit or lifestyle, once it is developed and ingrained in your daily moves, it becomes second nature. I’m at the point where I don’t really have to think about it, to be honest.

In the end, despite my verbal abusiveness, I encourage everyone to try it out. But if not, please stop asking us these dumb ass questions.

Out.