As part of a new series I'm calling: "I Watched It So You Don't Have To," check out the highlights from this enthralling ABC news report titled: "Little Girl Rejects Kiss From Prince William, Kate Starts Knitting." With a title like that, you know this is definitely going to be some serious cutting-edge reporting.
0:09 The presenter utters the perfect teaser to grab my attention: "Kate has been spilling some new details about how they are getting ready for the royal baby." OUH. New details! I'm all ears, ABC!
0:20 Reporting live from London, reporter Lama Hasan tells the viewer, "We've got the inside scoop for you." Ok now I'm really listening, Lama!
1:07 We learn that while Kate was a hit with the crowd, William well, not so much. Ouch!
1:12 The Prince gets totally rejected by this little girl who's wearing this awesome golden headband. How could this happen? Is this an indirect diss to Kate? Cat fight?!
1:16 Prince William spills his heart out to a journalist and says: "I only kissed one child and I got turned away." Poor Prince. What is the meaning of all of this? Does it mean that William will be a bad father? What if the royal baby also likes golden headbands? Will she never be able to love him? Don't leave me hanging ABC News!
1:23: The reporter talks about how Kate is keeping that "growing baby bump under wraps under that tarted coat." Wait a minute. Women who are pregnant have growing bellies AND they wear coats? Fascinating.
1:33 An inside source tells the reporter: "We found out LOADS about the royal baby. Absolutely loads." Like what!? Like what!? She proceeds: "We know the baby will be coming in mid-July and previously all we knew was that it coming sometime in July." Wow so before we knew it was in July and now we know it will be July. SO MUCH NEW INFORMATION.
1:40: The reporter said that William and Kate have a "short list of baby name for a boy and a girl." Like every other expecting couple in the history of couples? Riveting.
2:07 The royal couple's friends are texting them with some name suggestions. The stars, they text just like us!
2:15 We get the inside scoop about what Kate is doing to keep busy during the pregnancy. Wait for it. Wait for it. Wait for it. Knitting. I know. Unbelievable.
2:24 The reporter announces that Kate Middleton told her than she's not very good at knitting. What does this mean? What will she do? I'm worried. Will this have lasting impacts on the royal toddler who will have oddly shaped hats or little booties that don't match? What will his other baby friends say? Imagine all the pain and suffering.
2:26 Reporter Lama Hasan reassures Kate who surely is listening to this ABC News broadcast: "Don't worry, Kate, you've got plenty of time to practice!" Phew! Crisis averted.
2:33 She also reassures us that the little girl who refused the kiss feels bad for dissing the Prince and that "she said she'll make it up to him when she gets big" to which the entire newscast responds with a huge sigh of relief. Thank god!
What do you think about the girl with the little headband? Is she doomed to a life of regret for not having accepted a royal kiss or will she forever be remembered a British bad ass?
Let me know on Twitter: @feministabulous