'Scary Movie 5' Review: The Franchise Should Have Stopped At One

Franchises usually remain a trilogy for a reason. After movie three, stories become repetitive, and the energy behind the franchise seems to disappear. I would vouch upon my entire collection of Spiderman comics that there has never been a good movie that had a number greater than three somewhere in the title (and no Star Wars doesn't count, technically movies 1,2, and 3 and movies 4, 5, and 6, and look at how those turned out).

Think of famous fifth movies in a franchise, I guarantee that they are the worst entry: Attack of the Clones, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Saw 5, Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, A Good Day to Die Hard. All of those movies were bad-to-awful, so why do the creative (?) minds behind Scary Movie 5 think that they can do any better? The truth is that they know they can't and that this movie will be equally as bad as the previous Scary Movies, but will also be coupled with the fifth movie rule, which is going to take a truly awful movie and turn it into a putrid, disease ridden, maggot infested pile of human effluence, the likes that humanity hasn't seen since Manos: The Hands of Fate.

Here are the top five reason that you should avoid this movie at all costs.

1. Reduce, Reuse, and Recycle


Scary Movie 5 may have the stigma of all of the other terrible Scary Movie titles before it but 5 looks to be thoughtful engaging and really redefines the concept of comedy as a whole exactly the same as all of the other Scary Movie titles. If you would like to watch Scary Movie 5, just watch Scary Movie 4, I guarantee that they will be nearly identical movies, just as 4 was to 3, 3 was to 2 and so forth. It doesn't take a comedian of any skill to write a 90 minute dick joke, and that has literally been every the premise of every single one of the scary movies. In the trailers for each and every single Scary Movie, a man is hit in the groin, which is the epitome of prepubescent comedy (just ask The Simpsons). The saddest part about this franchise is the fact that they have scrapped the bottom of the barrel so often that there is no longer a bottom to the barrel. The team behind Scary Movie 5 have found the magical number of times you can hit someone in the testicles before it isn't funny anymore, which is quite possibly the saddest thing in the world, because it's so easy to get people to laugh at a man getting hit in the groin.

2. The Saddest Looking Cast On the Planet


Scary Movie 5 has taken actors that were once household names and are now down on their luck and cast them in a depressive circus spectacle for everyone to gawk and laugh at them. In the trailer for Scary Movie 5, Ashley Tisdale clearly appears as though she is angry to even be in the movie, let alone star in it, and even Charlie Sheen looks ashamed to be playing a morose parody of himself. The rest of the cast is poor to say the least. Scary Movie 5 co-stars Simon Rex (a former porn star), Katt Williams and Lindsay Lohan herself (two individuals with rap sheets longer than their resumes). This installment of Scary Movie is directed by Malcolm D. Lee, who is best known for his last full length movie, Undercover Brother, back in 1999. All in all this is a sorry bunch of former stars and general has-beens that have been crammed into this tribute to human idiocy.

3. The Scary Movie Franchise is Offensive to Anyone With Eyes


In his book, The God Delusion, Dr. Richard Dawkins describes the idea of God as a being that was, "misogynistic,homophobic and racist". Say what you will about Mr. Dawkins, but I feel like his words could be used to aptly describe the Scary Movie franchise. These movies objectify women, celebrate racial divisions and have more "gay" jokes than I could count. For instance, in Scary Movie, largely considered the best Scary Movie, there is a scene where: a girl gets her top ripped off and runs Baywatch style ... twice, a scene involving a large masculine woman coming onto one of her female students in a changing room, and numerous scenes about how "stupid, and lazy" African Americans are. The worst part of all of that is that if any of those scenes were actually funny there wouldn't be a problem as true comedic genius can often trump controversy however these jokes aren't funny,they are just offensive.

4. The Continued Financial Success Of the Scary Movie Franchise Will Ensure That Better Movies Won't Get Made


Imagine that you are the Creative Director of a film company. Two screenplays are placed upon your desk; the first script is for Scary Movie 6, and the other one is for, say, Ender's Game, a brilliant book. How would you pick? Most likely you would pick Scary Movie 6 because you know that you will make money on that title vs the unknown number of people that would want to see Ender's Game. Due to the rise in piracy and the lack of interest that people have in going to the movie theater, production are less willing to invest in "riskier" films and are much more likely to greenlight a sequel to a movie franchise that has always been profitable (even if those movies are terrible) versus an untested original movie. If enough people didn't go to Scary Movie, they may be wiling to kill the franchise. Wouldn't you rather have more of the movies that Scary Movie parodies that than the parody movie?

5. They Will Make More "Scary Movies"


This one is fairly self-explanatory. If Scary Movie 5 is a commercial success they will make more Scary Movies. To quote, the recently deceased, Roger Ebert, "I hated hated hated this movie." If one were to take all of the Scary Movies and watch them in order the horrific, corny and unfunny images and sounds may very well blind and deafen you. The Scary Movies make Freddy Got Fingered look like a quality film and X-Men IIIThe Last Stand look like a Magnum Opus.

Do yourself a favor and avoid this, and any other Scary Movies.


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Evan Almeida

Evan Almeida is an interviewer and a pop culture buff. His achievements include: Marathon-ing all of "Lost" in one sitting, talking to some of the biggest up-and-coming bands and comedians of the day, and powering through the first season of "The Newsroom".

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