7 Reasons To Be Absolutely Terrified of the 2013 NBA Playoffs

At this point you're probably crying because you lost your NBA Fantasy league (unless you’re my friend Thomas, who I hate right now), which means one thing: it's real playoff time. So leave your clown shoes at the door, because stuff is about to get very serious.

The NBA Playoffs are part of a storied tradition that goes back many centuries: the tradition of kicking ass, taking names, and pooping all over the competition. Heroes emerge and dynasties fall. Legacies are cemented, shattered, and solidified again. It’s an emotional roller coaster for basketball fans around the world, and no one is ever 100% ready for the shocking surprises that can occur.

Frankly, it’s all pretty terrifying.

Heart attacks have been caused by less, so I've taken it upon myself to mentally and emotionally prepare you for the road that lies ahead. It'll be a bumpy ride, but in the end you'll thank me. I've outlined seven things to either be very afraid of, prepared for, or some combination of both in the first round of the playoffs, so that your breath isn't suddenly taken away mid-game and you lose consciousness, causing you to miss a buzzer beater, second overtime, or some other such white knuckle occurrence.

Here they are. And may the best team win:

1. Carmelo Anthony absolutely losing his mind:

Photo Credit: Heavy

The league's new scoring champ has been on a tear lately, dropping buckets on folks like there’s no tomorrow. Now he faces the Boston Celtics, and most notably, Kevin Garnett. If you're like TNT and you "know drama," you also know that a great way of starting it is putting an angry scoring machine (who's basically grown up in the shadow of Lebron James) on the court with the dude who said his wife tastes like Honey Nut Cheerios. Heads will roll.

2. Getting yammed on by DeAndre Jordan:

Photo Credit: SB Nation

He's already destroyed the point guard formerly known as Brandon Knight (R.I.P.). Who's next on the hit list?

3. Falling asleep during the Chicago Bulls-Brooklyn Nets series:

Photo Credit: Tumblr

If the regular season is any indication, this could be the slowest, lowest scoring, most boring NBA playoff series in history. You'll get plenty of mileage out of your espresso machine with this one. God, I hope they prove me wrong (bring back Derrick Rose!).

4. Whoever makes it to round two in the Western Conference:

Photo Credit: Blu-Ray

The Oklahoma City Thunder are the clear favorite, but literally every series in this conference is must-see TV. OKC-Houston. Clippers-Grizzlies. Nuggets-Warriors. Lakers-Spurs. Park yourself on the couch with a defibrillator, because they don’t call it the "Wild West" for nothing.

5. Denver Nuggets home games:

Photo Credit: Denver Post

Speed + Colorado Altitude = Deadly for opponents. Luckily, the Golden State Warriors are young, energetic, and absolutely lethal from beyond the three-point line. Of all the first round playoff series, this could very well be the most fun.

6. The Bearded One’s homecoming:

Photo Credit: Sports Grid

The Thunder traded James Harden at the beginning of the season, and though he's thrived in his new leadership role in Houston, he has to be itching to show his old squad what they're missing. Even though Houston is unlikely to win, Harden will undoubtedly put on a great show.

7. The wellbeing of the Milwaukee Bucks:

Photo Credit: Bucksketball

If ever there was a foregone conclusion, the Bucks falling to the Miami Heat is it. Just how hard they will fall is yet to be seen, but I'm willing to bet it will be absolutely brutal. Like 4-0, double-digit wins in every game brutal. I probably won't even bother watching, to be honest. No one likes watching a deer get slaughtered.