Newt Gingrich Appoints Mitt Romney to Lead Committee to Colonize the Moon [Satire]

In a bid to win the hearts and minds of Americans, Newt Gingrich has announced that if he is elected president, he is considering bringing his chief GOP presidential rival Mitt Romney on as chief advisor to his moon colony planning team.

This news comes after Gingrich boldly promised an American moon colony by the end of his second term if elected president. In a speech on January 25 at a Town Hall in Cocoa, Florida, Gingrich said, "We will have the first permanent base on the moon and it will be American."

“With a track record as solid as Mitt’s,” said Gingrich, “I couldn’t think of a better person to oversee a moon base. If he can turn around the Salt Lake Olympic games, he can make the moon viable.” Gingrich then went on to point out that since he previously called for the space program to be 90% privately funded, Romney is the right man for the job.

Romney is considering accepting the offer, saying, "I'd like to come together and talk about the different options and costs.”

Romney has said that if he oversees the project, he will turn to Bain Capital to acquire NASA. Romney exclaimed, "If you are an employee at NASA and you are not on board the moon colony bandwagon, I'll enjoy firing you. You're either with us or against us."

"Romney's appointment is a sign to friend and foe of the seriousness of my commitment to renew American innovation and restore our confidence," Gingrich. "I have no doubt that Mitt Romney is the right person to lead our moon colony and to work with me in tackling this ambitious agenda."

In further remarks, Gingrich stated, "I want to see us move from one occasional launch to six or seven launches a day because so many private enterprises woke up and said we're prepared to go do it."

Gingrich then excitedly announced that Virgin Galactic is already on board. “(Sir) Richard Branson and I have already hammered out flight schedules from new Spaceports in places like Detroit, Vladivostok, Mogadishu and other soon to be announced locales people may want to leave for a new life in the space frontier.”

Shortly after the announcement by Gingrich, Branson released a statement, which said, “Virgin Galactic and I look forward to providing daily shuttle service to the moon. The moon is only the beginning though, as we look to expand further into the galaxy, Virgin Galactic will take you there.”

Gingrich also promised that his “Northwest Ordinance for Space” will provide the opportunity for the Moonies to become a state. “I think the number is 13,000 – when we have 13,000 Americans living on the moon they can petition to become a state.”

In reposnse to cricism, Gingrich replied, “I would just want you to note Lincoln standing at Council Bluffs was grandiose … I am grandiose … Americans are instinctively grandiose.”

Photo Credit: dno1967b 

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Ryan Gorman

Ryan's work has been featured in the NY Daily News, Gothamist and the Wall Street Letter. His work has been cited by both the Colbert Report and Time Magazine's website. Ryan worked on Wall Street for five years before returning to school to finish a degree in journalism at St. John's University.

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