Alright, chumps, listen up. If you haven’t had your five-year high school reunion yet, this is how it’s gonna go down. Feel free to take notes.
(Note: Number four will probably only happen if you went to a school run by nuns, but I’m nearly positive the rest are pretty universal).
1. You will try to party like a college student
Overwhelmed by the desire to prove to your peers you became cool in college (no, really, guys, I did, I swear), you will try to party like you did in college. This will inevitably turn into an unmitigated disaster. You are nearly a full year out of college. You should know this plan will never work. The best approach is to party as if college never happened. Your return to high school should be approached with the knowledge that you have basically the same tolerance as you did in high school. By my calculations, that gives you about two glasses of wine before you start slurring the six-minute-long Latin school song.
2. You will accidentally attend the wrong event
Too lazy to actually look into the events you sign-up for, ain’t nobody got time for that, you will register based on hear-say supposedly originating from some one’s older sister, but probably made up by you in an attempt to justify your lack of research.
As a result, you will attend at least one event intended for the over-seventy crowd there to celebrate their 50th reunion. In my case, this was a formal luncheon. You will not handle this situation gracefully. You will instead elect the path of painful awkwardness. You will find your two other classmates who made the same mistake, possibly because of the rumor someone’s “sister,” a.k.a you, started. During the headmaster’s speech about the school’s finances, you and your fellow vicenarians will perform a blood oath with the butter knife, vowing to be more thorough researchers for the ten-year.
3. You will be grievously insulted by one of your friends
At least one friend will pretend not to recognize you immediately. In a brief moment of elation, you will convince yourself this is, of course, because your high school self was but an ugly duckling compared to the magnificent swan you’ve become. This pleasant delusion will last the two seconds it takes for her to make the off-hand explanation, “I totally thought you were from the class of ’99 or something.”
She’ll try to pass if off as a compliment, “You know, class of ’99, they’ve got their shit together by now. They’ve got husbands and stuff.”
This almost seems like a nice thing to say, but what it really means, is that not only are you spouse-less with your shit in complete disarray, you also look 35. You’ll be so preoccupied with promising yourself to be better about wearing sunscreen and to look into night cream, that the best comeback you’ll muster is, “Class of ’99 isn’t even here. It’s just classes ending in eights or threes. Gosh, can’t you do math, Regina?”
4. You will briefly consider getting thee to the nunnery
While you accidentally attend all of the serious events, see item number two, you’ll run into your fair share of nuns. Yes, they are exactly as adorable as you remembered. Mother Superior will be more than happy to tell you of all the great changes in the monastery since you left. They now have a HD flat screen TV and a new cable package, so Sister Margaret Mary can watch basketball. They’ve added feisty Scrabble tournaments to the weekly game night. You’ll lament the diminished popularity of Words with Friends and reflect on the short-comings of Netflix online streaming. You’ll even briefly consider taking the veil; however, a quick walk around campus and the memories of the hot gardener it evokes, will renew your commitment to secular life.
5. You’ll realize, you’re all in the same boat
Yeah, T-Pain is there too. And it’s actually a pretty awesome boat (I mean, obviously, otherwise T-Pain wouldn't be there). Sure you don’t always know what you’re doing, or maybe have your dream job or even know what that is, or maybe you sometimes refer to your parents as your “roommates,” but so do a lot of people (especially that last one, I’m certain that is a common trend). It’s actually completely normal and okay. It’s always encouraging to find out you’re not they only person with 50-year-old roommates. What’s more, you’ll realize that you’re surrounded by friends who genuinely believe you is smart, you is kind, you is important and will remind you, anything is possible.