Twinkies Are Back: Start Clearing Room In Your Pantries!

In 1988, the rock band Cinderella released a song called "Don’t Know What You Got (Till It’s Gone)." Every young-ish man between 22 and really-old has jammed that power ballad after the loss of a love, or at least after the loss of a strong like. But as a nation that loves our food, did we ever feel the stinging loss of a collective five pounds like we did when Twinkies disappeared from the shelves of our local grocers? Twinkies were the original, and no matter how many blonde Bingles and brunette Dreamies we ate, we would never forget the Twinkie.

Take heart! Your long nights of holding a blaring boombox up outside the 7-11 have finally ended. Twinkies are back! They should hit the stores in the second half of July. And thank God, you know? I regret ever buying another snack. Sometimes I'd do it even when Twinkies were sitting right there waiting to be purchased. Since Twinkies left, they're all I can think about, and no stand-in will do. I die a little bit every time I give my hard-earned, American dollar to the delicious Mexican counterfeit known as Submarinos. They taste like settling.

Like any regretful ex-lover, I was afraid that maybe the Twinkies I once loved wouldn't be the same Twinkies. Maybe they'd hold a grudge when they came back. Maybe they'd be afraid that what we had was part of what made them leave in the first place. Maybe a new recipe, or a slimmer, sexier appearance would make the second time around go better.

Relax.

"Everything will be as delicious and fattening as it always was," said Michael Cramer, the executive vice president of Hostess Brands.

I vow to eat Twinkies once a month until death do us part. It will probably be death by heart attack, and if that's the way I go, at least Twinkies will know they were loved.

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Dustin Riedesel

An amateur chauvinist, failed lesbian and aggressively mediocre wordsmith. For money, he is a salesman. You can find more of Dustin's work at Writing Bareback.

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