Todd Akin Wants You To Know He's Really Sorry Legitimate Rape Hurt His Career

You would think Todd Akin's first interview since his infamous "legitimate rape" comments would consist of an apology for suggesting that women have magical lady barriers that can prevent pregnancy from rape. Instead of speaking about the harm he did to survivors of rape (and all women and girls for that matter), he decided to focus on how hard it is to be a survivor of his own bigotry. What seems like an story straight out of the Onion that would be entitled "Politician Is Sorry His Misogynist Comments Hurt His Career," the following interview makes me believe that Todd Akin actually has empathy — but it's only for himself.

When asked about how he feels about saying "If it's legitimate rape, the female body has ways to shut that whole thing down," he answered: "All of us are fallible. We make mistakes, say things the wrong way. I've relived that moment many, many times." he confided with a half-smiling awkward puppy face.

Poor Todd Akin! As if spewing his own personal delusions about women's bodies wasn't hard enough, he now has to relive it again and again? Hasn't he suffered enough!? I guess we all really underestimated the trauma that one can experience after perpetuating rape myths on live television. After all, Akin had such a bright future. 

"You think, well, what would it have been like if I hadn't done that?" Akin continued. Yes, what could have happened if no one had called him out on his misogynistic ramblings? Maybe he would have been elected and been able to spread more fallacies about women's bodies! Like that women who are on their legitimate period, can't use the logic part of their brain because ovulation can shut that whole thing down. I'm pretty sure that's kinda almost true. Oh the things Todd Akin could have done! Pretty sure that question keeps all of us awake at night. 

But don't worry. Todd Akin is not a victim, he's a survivor. Life will go on for the improvised uterus connoisseur / failed politician. When asked if he will ever return to politics despite the difficult burden of being the "legitimate rape" guy, he said  "I consider it kind of a bright, new future. And I'm interested to see what the possibilities are."

For the sake of all women, let's just hope Todd Akin takes a few biology classes before he's allowed to enter any senate race.

For more on Todd Akin's "bright future" follow me on Twitter: @feministabulous