Experts Ban 'Fruit Ninja' For Sickening Kitchen Rampage

Local brother and sister Steve and Emma, ages 8 and 6, went on a rampage against fruit yesterday evening. The pair mindlessly cut up 8 delicious and juicy peaches, pears, and mangoes before being stopped by their parents.

"I didn't want to hurt the fruit!" said older brother Steve, also who claimed that he "just wanted to see delicious fruit juice spray out" after he reigned terror down upon the unsuspecting produce with his father’s samurai sword.

Though at first this big item news story made many question the unsupervised access these two young children had to their father’s sword collection, the real culprit has now been located.

Interviews with Steve and Emma’s friends at school reveal that both of them were addicted to the popular game "Fruit Ninja," which can be played on iPhones, iPods, and iPads.

"He'll just stare at his screen for minutes at a time, between classes, chopping one fruit and then another," said fellow third-grader John. "I knew that he liked the game, but I had no idea it had taken over his mind like this."

Senator Joe Lieberman commented on this tragedy while discussing his proposed "national commission on mass violence against fruit."

Many commentators are concerned that if this game is not pulled out of the market fast, there could be a swarm of copycat fruit ninjas, just like the trend of launching birds via slingshot that took off in 2010.

"The violence against fruit that is now pervasive in the entertainment culture, causes senseless violence against innocent fruit that has done no wrong," said former Senator Joe Lieberman. "What food groups will they come for next? Vegetables? Dairy products?"

"This is especially disturbing considering how much some fruits, including pineapples, are shaped like a human head," said Cynthia Reynolds, an expert at the Alliance for Demonizing Fun, Games, and Youth Culture. "If attacking fruit is what we are teaching our 8-year-olds, what will our 12-year-olds learn from these games?"

No news source has actually confirmed that any violent crime against humans has been inspired by "Fruit Ninja" video games. Halfbrick Studios, the creators of the game Fruit Ninja, note that this game is actually only currently popular among middle-aged women downloading their first app on their very first smartphone. However, the game has now become the central part of the debate.

"The best way to respond to this tragedy, is to place blame on incredibly diffuse creative industries that clearly just have way too much free speech," said Senator Liberman, who also noted his own ignorance about video games and reinforced inaccurate sterotypes of the typical gamer.

He added, "I don't like [those gamers]. I don't understand them, and I generally think that people who play these games are nerds who need to move out of their parents' basements and get a job already."

Mitch McConnell, minority leader of the Senate who recently voted against requiring universal background checks for gun purchases, a measure that 90% of Americans support, also chimed in on this debate.

He noted, "I'm not sure there is a clear cut solution, but blaming diffuse cultural problems like mental illness and videogames is certainly valuable for me as it keeps the conversation away from implementing common sense gun control, and keeps the NRA off my back."

For more news parody, and commentary on gun control, follow @sbakkila on twitter!

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Sam Bakkila

Originally from Pittsburgh PA, Sam graduated from Harvard College, where he studied the social determinants of health, served as the Co-Director of the Harvard Square Homeless Shelter, and Co-Chair of Harvard College Queer Students and Allies. He is interested in global health, homelessness, and LGBTQ activism. Sam can be reached at sbakkila@gmail.com and on twitter @sbakkila.

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