The month of graduations is upon us. Announcements and invitations to various graduations — kids even "graduate" from Kindergarten these days — will begin to flood mailboxes now that May has arrived. Yet even though traveling from college town to college town only to listen to endless speeches can be exhausting (and downright boring), people can't help but get a little nostalgic once the procession begins and the "Pomp and Circumstance March" cues.
This especially pertains to those graduating. Soon-to-be alumni forget about the professors who had it out for them, the brutal all-nighters spent in the stacks, the consecutive days of wearing the same outfit because it only "kind of" smelled, and the formal where their date threw up on them (actually, I haven't forgotten about that one) that characterized the past four years of their lives. Instead, they look back through rose-colored glasses, and mourn the loss of this fleeting period of their lives during which they had relatively few responsibilities and, seemingly, all the time in the world to figure themselves out.
But all good things come to an end, and after the four years of college have run their course, it really is time to move on to the real world (it's not that scary). If you refuse to face the facts or are desperately clinging to those last few days, here are six signs that will convince you it's time for you to graduate college already.
1. Friends joke with you that you're Van Wilder.
First of all, they may be joking with you to your face, but they're laughing at you behind you back.
Fine, if you're doing some complicated and high-profile masters or engineering program, or whatever, you're exempt from this rule. But otherwise, students are supposed to attend college for four years. That's it. It's not cool to be the guy who's old enough to rent a car.
2. You've mastered the art of doing your own laundry.
This is what college is for, right? Once you've got doing your own laundry down, there's really no reason to stay.
3. You could donate your beard to Locks of Love.
It's time for the real world to slap that smirk (and beard) right off of your face. C'mon guys, no one wins in the "longest beard" contest.
4. You think that "playing pong" and "going to the gym" are synonymous.
They're not. That beer gut doesn't lie.
5. A t-shirt and sweatpants constitute your "pulled together" look.
When the "no shirt, no shoes, no service" rule has really got you down, it's a sign that it's time for you to graduate college and start acting — and dressing — like a normal human being. And even though addressing this argument is in some ways stooping to its ridiculous level, it must be noted — a track suit is NO BETTER. Leave it at home (preferably in the roaring fireplace).
6. Your "frat shoes" and "shower shoes" are now just your everyday shoes.
If this is the case, it means you've actually become immune to how disgusting the frat basements and communal showers in college really are. Like, you don't even notice that your shoes (and probably feet) are covered in substances that can't you can't quite but your finger on, but all the possibilities you've considered are terrifying and, most likely, disease-inducing. When this happens, it's official — it's time for you to graduate already.