Address him as sir. Tuck in your shirt. Behind every nag to leave your mother’s mouth is most likely a woman who would die to protect you. Every mother pesters her children in a different way, methods that vary based on proximity and genetic predispositions toward neuroses. How does Mom show us her love? Let us count the ways.
1. Sending you newspaper articles
Nothing’s better than opening your mailbox to find a brightly colored, hand addressed envelope standing out against all the unfriendly bills, promotional fliers, and credit card ads attempting to snag you with the promise of zero interest for a year. Yes, until you open the letter only to find a newspaper clipping about how to clean up your resume.
2. Taping angry notes onto unavoidable objects
Post-Its pinned to the wall next to the toilet that read flush, yellow memo pad paper taped to a mirror asking where various household objects are, messages written on top of unskillfully hidden, uh, adult items, that scream “WHAT WOULD YOUR GRANDMOTHER THINK!?” - Yes, Moms leave notes everywhere for disciplinary means. You’re too old for her to spank you, and with a note, the guilt of being caught red handed doing a naughty has time to saturate into your conscious before she sees you next to give you the “I’m so disappointed” evil eye.
3. Starting conversations with the words “did you”
Did you change your air filter this month? Did you call your great aunt? The words “did you” strike a chord that makes a person want to hang up the phone on a Mom on impulse, but you can’t and you shouldn’t, because this is the woman who brought you into this world. You vomited on her well into your twos. You peed on her pants while sitting on her lap on an airplane. Plus, Mom most likely has more money than you do. She probably give it to you one day if you’re good, so you owe it to her to at least listen as she attempts to control you.
4. Doing things her way, a.k.a the right way, for you
I guess it was nice when she did your homework for you in kindergarten. You got to make a mess somewhere while she glued the miniature Lego man into the perfect position on your diorama to ensure you’d get a gold star. Now, she grabs your right hand while you’re adjusting the tuner on your car stereo and puts it at 3 o’clock on the steering wheel. She fills out your college application. She comes in to negotiate the salary of your entry level position for you.
5. Buying you defense devices
Retractable batons. Size large bottles of pepper spray. Mom may want you to go out into the world, fight evil, and be independent to carry on the legacy of your family name, but when you leave her periphery, she demands for you to return unscathed.
6. Handpicking your wardrobe
Our clothes are the 90% of our appearance we get to choose. Mom thinks it’s time for you to stop wearing hand cut t-shirts and flared jeans with holes in the knees, so she buys you a smart-looking pant suit. Maybe she goes so far as to point out your fat rolls at dinner or pick off the blackheads on your nose.
A mom’s love never fades. One day you’ll have kids of your own, and she’ll still be telling you what to do. Our task as children is to learn to enjoy the attention. Happy Mother’s Day.