10 Ways to Cure Your Homosexuality

A series of apps sponsored by a non-denominational ministry called Setting Captives Free claim to cure you of any sins through faith and prayer alone. They have apps for depression and alcoholism and gambling, but by far the most popular one, called "Door of Hope," will fully cure that pesky moral disease called homosexuality.

In only 60 days, no less!

Disregarding all evidence that the ex-gay movement is incredibly damaging to more than 90% of those who undergo "treatment" (because they clearly just didn't believe in God enough), Setting Captives Free wants you to know that you were not "born this way." Homosexuality is a sin that you need to purge from your system, and the only way to do it is to follow their three-parts-a-day program.

While the app is only downloadable from Google Play (iTunes and the 69,822+ people who petitioned them don't believe in conversion therapy for some reason), there is an abridged version available on the ministry’s website. I skimmed through 10 days' worth of their cure, and this is what I learned you need to do to heal thyself:

1. But Honest About Your Sin (But Not TOO Honest):

Admit that you have homosexual tendencies, but don’t say anything else about it. Anything "graphic or overly detailed" is just giving attention to Satan.

Or:

We don't want you to actually think about your experiences or emotions, we just want to hear you say that you're wrong and you need help.

2. Stop Calling Your Homosexuality an "Alternative Lifestyle": It's "Wicked," "Evil," and a "Sin":

These are the only things you should ever call it from now on, preferably in hushed tones. Even better, feel free to refer to your homosexuality with water-based metaphors: It's a "broken cistern" that will never satisfy your thirst. It’s also "like drinking out of a sewer and expecting to take in cool, clear spring water." Is that what you what?

3. Change For the Right Reasons (the Glory Of God):

After all, homosexuality is nothing but "lust, porn, and sexual immorality," sins that are applicable only to gay people and never to straight ones. But don't change to make others happy or to save your family. Change only because we (a group of random people) are telling you that that's the only way for you to "become normal, and acceptable to God."

4. Always Read Scripture, But Only the Parts We Tell You to:

Who knew curing homosexuality could be so much like doing high school homework? We'll provide you with a few carefully-selected verses every day and follow it up with our interpretation. Read only this over and over until you have fully embraced our reading of the Bible.

5. Remove Yourself From Anything Even Remotely Gay:

Don't watch porn (again, it's only a gay thing), don't go on gay websites, and most of all, certainly don't associate with gay people. Any of those things might make you feel like your homosexuality is a natural part of your identity and can be accepted by those around you.

6. Realize That Being Homosexual Makes You Feel Alone

Forget that we told you to shut yourself away from most of the world, and ignore the idea that maybe gay people feel so alone because of the discriminatory and hateful attitudes that they face, helped by people like us. Feeling alone? Try not being so gay.

7. Reconcile With Those Who Tried to Help You Stop Being Gay:

All those people who called you "faggot" and told you that you were going to Hell? They really had your best interests at heart. Apologize profusely.

8. Always Remember:

Because this phrase hasn't been overused at all.

9. Imagine Yourself as "Broken":

Only when you are "utterly broken" will you find God and freedom. Ignore the fact that 90% of people leave conversion therapy feeling broken in a very real, psychologically damaging way, or that many attempt suicide. Reduce yourself to nothing so we can shape you how we want.

10. Know That You Will Be Saved If You Believe

This is the most important lesson of all. If you truly believe in God and want to change your sinful ways, God will remove all homosexual urges from your mind. But if at the end of this 60-day therapy, you still have homosexual tendencies, then you didn't really believe and you didn't really want to change. Rinse and repeat.