You're slapped in the face with product placement for Beats within the first 10 seconds. That's perhaps the only semblance of normalcy.
Miley Cyrus' video for "We Can't Stop" dropped today, complete with ribald ass-shaking, white girl mean muggin', and nonstop weirdness. While the song sounds like some eviscerated version of an already bad Rihanna song, the accompanying music video takes "trying too hard" to a whole new level. Toss away "Party in the USA" — a passable, if not honest effort to transition from Disney to mainstream pop — the Miley in this video rocks tattoos, a two-toned faux hawk, and constant midriff.
The strange really kicks off at :26, where a member of Cyrus' crew chows down on a money sandwich. Nose ring; jean vest; Benjys on white bread. This is happening. Shortly after comes a skull made of french fries, a ton of ass-out dancing, and Miley contorting into every position possible to show off her weirdly linear tats.
One minute in, some girl pretends to cut her fingers off and gets flooded with pink ooze. Five seconds later comes the dancing bears. By 1:15, you can also add twerking in the bathtub and a computerized mime face to the list of things that are somehow going on in this video.
Miley starts the second verse singing that "only God can judge us." Well, God and everyone with eyeballs, which is the demographic wondering why a circle of deer are wearing shades. Right as Cyrus croons about "lines in the bathroom" and being "so turnt up," she sucks face with a Barbie doll. It makes sense in as many ways as it doesn't make sense, if that makes sense.
Shortly after, some dude's rubbing bread all over himself. Miley cracks a corn piñata and releases a flood of hot dogs all over the party. All fun and games until somone tries to light one like a cigar.
Perhaps the worst part of all this is how obsessed Miley appears to be with being crazy for crazy's sake. There's no aesthetic value in the video, no meaning or characters that would enhance the already skimpy lyrics. It's just Cyrus rebelling at nothing, desperately donning her version of drugged-out sex appeal, and it's already spawned an Internet's worth of memes and mockeries.
Where to next for Miley (molly, as she artistically slurs her own name)? She's got a fourth studio album coming this fall. If it's anything like the video for "We Can't Stop," it should be entertaining to say the least.
Don't believe what you're reading? Watch for yourself.