Kate Middleton Baby Bump: How the Media Will Cover the Royal Birth

Now, I don't know about you but I'm pretty Royal-baby-ed out. Excitement for the Royal Baby isn't mandatory so I think I'm might opt out (I bet it's a girl). Other than the fact that it is the birth of the Royal baby, I'm also pretty sure that women and all things living have been having babies since like ... forever?

The minute Kate Middleton's pregnancy was announced, when she was first admitted to hospital with morning sickness, the internet exploded and everyone started placing bets on the gender and the name. Fashion bloggers were advising what her pregnancy-bod wardrobe should contain. There are even news reports featuring expectant parents running in parallel with the Royal couple. It's like Jesus Christ being born all over again; the only thing missing is a stable, a manger, a donkey and three wise men. You'd think that no one realized that a baby being born is a normal thing.

So the day will pretty much pan out as follows:

Kate will go into labor. Now I've never given birth, but I've been told that it feels like having cluster bombs and landmines being detonated in your uterus!

She will give birth at St. Mary's, in Paddington, but that hasn't stopped local papers from hoping that she could go into labor outside London and be forced to give birth there. One local paper in Berkshire has speculated that Kate could give birth at their local hospital if she were to go into labor during a visit to her parents in the nearby village of Buckleberry.

I'd like to imagine William being at her side doing the awkward first-time dad thing of not having a clue what to do except to say the odd, "you can do this" or "just keep pushing." Then the baby will be born and if the world's media hasn't exploded already, it will explode again.

The press will flock to London a la the beginning of the Lion King with Elton John performing Circle of Life. They will all be camped outside the hospital hoping to catch a glimpse of every relative who are coming to see the newborn. Wills will come out and confirm the gender of the baby and the name.

There will be detailed timelines of Royal Births since year so-and-so on virtually every news website, photo galleries of previous and notable royal births. Every royal correspondent and royal biographer under the sun will be called on to give the low down on how the Royal Family deals with new arrivals.

World leaders and celebrities alike will flock to Twitter to express their congratulations. Your Facebook will experience an implosion of maternal joy (because if you don't post it on Facebook the world can only assume that you don't care).

The name of the baby will be displayed on an easel outside Buckingham Palace, and will be welcomed by news anchors with, "just got some breaking news that an easel has been put on display outside Buckingham Palace..."

News anchors the world over will start the piece with "we are going live to Reporter X" and begin asking questions about the labor, where was Will, how many people were in the ward, was it a caesarean and so on and so forth. There may even be a few questions as mundane as "how does the father feel?" Then there would be more awkward questions as though the news anchors themselves have never experienced a birth before.

Then the Palace will release a photo of the new baby and its parents in two very glossy versions that will be released as a special edition stamp. People, please, no more e-fits of what the child will look like, we've already established that the baby will have a combination of both parents genes, that is generally how this thing called biology works. On that note please don't consider doing any e-fits of what the child will look like in five years time, that's just weird, plus e-fits are generally used to find a missing child.

Now it's bad enough that we have the mummy-blogger brigade telling us that motherhood is the new black (Kim Kardashian is doing it, why aren't you doing it yet?). Kate will practically been bombarded with advice on whether or not she should throw her milk teets out and breast feed in public, what pram she should get, maybe even the post-pregnancy work out exercises she should do to get rid of those stretch marks and what she should be wearing.

There will be the christening, and everyone will be talking about that famous christening gown, and there'll be photo galleries of every Royal who ever wore that gown. Who will be at the christening, what's going on at the baby shower being organized by Pippa Middleton, what hats will Princesses Beatrix and Eugenie be wearing this time.

Then there will be Kate's first Royal engagement since the birth, will she bring the baby with her and so on and so forth. Will they be wearing co-coordinated outfits, etc. There will be a reported surge in the number of children born with the same name as the Royal Baby (which must be hell for schools if they have to have registers with hoards of children with the same name).

There'll probably be a few photocalls that look like this:

And in a few years time maybe one like this:

To sum it up in a nutshell. There will be no news on anything else but the Royal baby for three days to a week when it's born.