8 Reasons Vladimir Putin is Going to Take Over the World

On Monday, June 15, Russian President Vladimir Putin took a casual submarine trek down 200 feet to the bottom of the Gulf of Finland to look at the shipwreck remains of a sunken Russian naval frigate. Putin's stone-cold nerves while submerged at the bottom of the sea are just the latest in a string of bad-assery from the Russian president. Here are seven more reasons why, if we’re not careful, Vladimir Putin is going to take over the world.

1. He has 16 years under his belt with the KGB

Before entering Russian politics, Putin spent over a decade and a half with the former Soviet Union’s equivalent of the CIA. Putin held a variety of posts during his time with the KGB, including picking out new recruits at Leningrad State University. A world leader with 16 years experience in Russia’s intelligence agency? It’s no wonder he isn’t scared of anything.

2. He can beat you in hand-to-hand combat

Putin is a well-known martial arts enthusiast, particularly Judo, in which he holds a black belt. He literally wrote a book on the fighting sport, which you can buy for about $15 on Amazon. If I were the leader of a country attending a private meeting with Putin, I'd be a more than just a little nervous that he would have no qualms twisting my arm, and not just in the figurative sense.

3. He has a Super Bowl ring without ever playing a down

In late June, New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft accused Putin of stealing his Super Bowl Ring. Putin denied the theft, claiming to not remember either Kraft or the ring, and then offered to give Kraft an even fancier, more expensive ring. Kraft said he heard Putin say that he could "kill someone" with the ring, then pocket the ring and walk off with his bodyguards. Of course he did. What Putin wants, Putin gets.

4. His thirst for speed is unquenchable

In 2010, Putin took a spin in a Formula One race car, hitting speeds of 150 miles per hour. His only problem with the car, after hours of driving it? The cockpit was too small. Never mind the hairpin turns at 100-plus miles per hour, Putin needs more legroom. Maybe he should try the Batmobile?  

5. He fights fire from the sky

When wildfires threatened a region of Russia’s forests, Putin took to the air, piloting a helicopter to help put out the flames himself. By land, sea, or air, Putin does what it takes to get the job done. Seriously, maybe there’s something to those Batman comparisons.

6. He's experienced with all sorts of equipment

No big deal, Putin just took a quick little jaunt on a rubber boat and shot a whale with a crossbow to collect a skin sample. You can't make this up. Are we sure he isn't some sort of genetically engineered super human?

7. He knows when to flaunt it


Let's be blunt: For 60 years old, Putin looks damn good shirtless. He takes every opportunity he can get to flash his bare chest. It’s as if he wants to remind the world: if you want a piece of me, come and get it.


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Benjamin Cosman

Ben graduated from SUNY Geneseo with a B.A. in English Literature and a minor in Political Science. He recently traveled through New England looking for pie. His second-favorite pastime is googling pictures of politicians laughing.

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