Styrofoam: The Jersey Shore of California

Friday satire by Blakely Thornton

California recently decided to completely ban Styrofoam. Although there has been debate, mostly from the right wing of California's Chamber of Commerce, this is a good move. The main argument against the ban is that it will kill jobs in the already weak economy and, frankly, the people of California cannot afford another stupid economic decision. These are the same voters that put a man known for flexing in a Speedo and playing an (inexplicably) Austrian-accented cyborg to run their government. This ban has to go through because Styrofoam is not just the silent killer, it is the disposable destroyer.

One can think of Styrofoam as the Jersey Shore of California.

It is not the most obvious analogy, but look at the facts. Both Styrofoam and MTV's ratings juggernaut are seemingly harmless parts of our daily lives. However, once you dig a little deeper, you realize that both are the harbingers of the ecological and societal Apocalypse. One is a TV show and the other is merely used to contain your fast food. But, if something isn't done about both (and soon), then we are going to have major problems. Be honest with yourself, how many Thursdays have you spent watching Snookie flash her goodies at the camera or sit in a fridge trying to ease her rash while you eat your takeout? You are simultaneously destroying your brain cells and the world your children will live in. 

Sure, Styrofoam is convenient and easy. It keeps your food hot, your drinks cold, and you do not have to wash it when you're done. You can throw it away and forget about it. But Styrofoam is also one of the most difficult and expensive disposable materials to recycle, and it is lethal to the wildlife that ingest it. So every time you eat that street meat and throw the container away in the trash, you are killing all those adorable animals you see in motivational posters. Do you really hate baby seals?

Likewise, Jersey Shore seems to be an innocuous form of entertainment. Watch it on Thursday nights, talk about how stupid they are with co-workers the next day, and forget about it. The "situation," however, is not that simple. Educated adults with established understandings of right, wrong, and generally appropriate behavior can take this show as the societal joke that it is. However, while walking home from work early, I passed a middle school as the kids were getting out for the day. I saw one kid pull up his shirt and say, "You see this situation? Rachel will totally let me smush!" 

There is no one named Rachel on the Jersey Shore. These were 12 year olds talking about hooking up.

So there you have it people. Do you want to live in a world full of illiterate 15 year olds who are with child while mourning the loss of all sea life indigenous to coastal California? Oh, you don't? Well then, for the love of god, put down that Styrofoam and turn off MTV.

Photo Credit: The Chic Spot