Rick Santorum Wants To Ban Porn: The South Responds

The GOP race has been the event of the century. We have had nothing but top quality debates concerning the nations most pressing issues. Since the beginning of the race, the candidates have demonstrated their positions on the things with which myself, my fellow millenials, and Americans at large are most concerned. 

I know know that Mitt Romney is very, very rich and enjoys hunting. Newt Gingrich will allow me to watch my "Mars Needs Moms" blue rays on the Red Planet before I hit 35, (I have been looking for a reason to watch them lately), and that old guy who is also running wants to give me the right to celebrate 4-20 the way it SHOULD be celebrated. But my main man Rick Satorum recently came out and made a statement about the issue nearest and dearest to the hearts of Americans, and for that matter the World: PORN.

Ricky, Ricky, Ricky... 

I was with you on the whole "denying climate change" thing because I enjoy the longer tanning season. I still kept my car parked in the Santorum lot when you said college is for snobs, because I went to college, and I am a giant snob. But now you are trying to remove Pornography from the Internet, hotel rooms, and cable TV.

You are trying to remove our God given right to take our sexual frustrations out on ourselves? Self love without visuals is like trying to do long division without a calculator after high school... I mean I could... but why would I ever want to.

You remember prohibition don't you, Rick? Here's the deal: When you take something Americans use regularly and make it illicit, it only becomes more desirable, usually leading to an extremely lucrative black market. 

Do we really want to live in a world of back alley Spankeasys and $100 Hustler Magazines? Is there a plan in your small budget for a special task force, perhaps called the P.E.A. to monitor the industry? Good luck keeping those uniforms clean. Making porn illegal will only make it cool. So do yourself a favor Ricky Bobby, leave it alone and focus on the big issues, like marriage curing poverty and slavebortion. 

Your truly,

The American South