Ah, the infamous bridezilla — the blushing bride whose flushed face is only the result of her latest hot-headed outburst. Her laser-eyed focus on her big day is matched only by her uncanny ability to be in every place at once. The bridezilla is the superwoman of her own wedding, but with a villainous wrath. Legend has it that one bridezilla forced her bridesmaids to dye their hair so she could be the only blonde in the wedding party. You know what they say, blondes are more fun (and apparently more powerful). Here are seven types of bridezillas with superpowers that you don’t want to get in the way of.
1. The Destination-Obsessed Bridezilla, or the bridezilla most likely to make her little old granny fly half way around the globe for her “world-class” wedding. Her superpower is the ability to flit from one destination to another at a moment’s notice with no thought to cost, practicality, or how her guests will manage to follow. She’s the first-class witch who’s forcing you to go Dubai for her desert safari wedding because, after all, it was her second choice. You’ll spend the week after her wedding cleaning sand from your wallet because that’s the only thing you’ll have left in there!
2. The DIY Diva, aka The Survivalist Bridezilla, has the ability to make do in any circumstance and get her dream wedding with even the roughest of materials to work with. She’s currently selling her handmade, seaglass centerpieces on her Etsy store — the URL is on your placecard. And you better buy them, because she’s trying to save money for her socially conscious staycation honeymoon. Don’t you dare ask her in what thrift store she found her wedding dress — it’s “vintage”!
3. The Exploding Bridezilla is prone to spontaneous combustion — that is, she’ll come bust your ass if you don’t do exactly as she says. Her smoldering look brings even the most seasoned wedding planners to their knees and makes everyone eager to do her bidding. When she asks you to touch up her makeup at the reception for the fifth time that night you’ll find yourself tempted to poke her in the eye with mascara.
4. The Slave Driver Bridezilla harnesses the same magnetic power that made her fiance propose after six months to turn her wedding party into a horde of zombies, hungry for their next assignment. Her superpower is the ability to make everyone fall into step with her plans using something suspiciously similar to mind control. Her conquests include convincing the caterer to whip up a last-minute gluten-free option (at no extra cost!) and having her maid of honor hypnotically (and soberly) hang on her every word. Wipe that drool away and get back to work!
5. The Impossibly Indecisive Bridezilla has deposits down on five wedding dresses at any given time. She has the ability to swing from one decision to another with complete conviction at every stage of the game and has no apparent memory of the last 12 times she changed her mind. She’s one venue away from the perfect location; — the last 10 were just too small (or too big, or too far, or too perfect — yes, too perfect). This bridezilla may even change her vows once she’s at the altar.
6. The Crazy Family Bridezilla. Now you see her, now they don’t. The Crazy Family Bridezilla has the ability to vanish into thin air when her family comes looking for her, leaving you to solve all their problems. This martial magician is all about avoiding mama drama. Aunt Mary doesn’t have a placecard? Uncle Bill’s drunk again? The kid’s table formed a crayon-gang and tagged the venue’s walls? Looks like you have a busy night ahead of you.
7. The Invisible Groom. It’s no secret that wedding planning isn’t exactly a dude’s favorite pastime. The Invisible Groom would rather fade into obscurity than make seating charts. Although, he’ll be sure to reappear for the cake tastings. Everybody loves cake. The Invisible Groom’s superpower is the ability to blend into the background like a chameleon while everything comes together with absolutely no actual involvement from him. Just like the rest of the wedding guests, he’s probably off trying to escape the bride’s wedding wrath.
Do you know a super-bridezilla? Were you a super B at your own wedding? Planning a wedding may seem like you’re trying to save the world, but in reality it’s just one day. If you were bitten by the love bug and afflicted with the superpowers above, you should probably wear your wedding veil as a cape and start avenging your friendships.
If you or anyone you know has another bridezilla story, AmericanBridal wants to hear about it!