Rick Santorum Jelly Belly Speech Sugarcoats His Misguided Foreign Policy

Another day and yet another puzzling choice made by Rick Santorum in his quest for the elusive Republican nomination.

No, he has not chosen to don a neon-orange sweater vest combo. Neither has he agreed to make the Vatican his first stop as President of the United States – that ‘honor’ has already been bestowed upon Israel. Today’s winner of the ‘Rick Santorum WTF?’ prize goes to his choice of venue for a forthcoming speech on foreign policy: the Jelly Belly factory in Fairfield, California.  

How does Santorum, who already struggles to be taken seriously by most normal people, believe that the best way to showcase his foreign policy is to make a speech at a candy factory? Does he intend to make Willy Wonka his Secretary of State? For the record, I would hazard to guess that Wonka is more Ron Paul Nation than Santorum groupie.

Santorum's real inspiration for the choice of venue is because Ronald Reagan – the patron saint of Republican presidential candidates – was highly fond of jelly beans, even serving them at his inauguration. 

Does this mean we can now expect the Republican presidential posse to ruthlessly exploit tenuous connections to major conservative historical figures? Will they descend en-masse to the site of George Washington’s favorite wig-maker? Or maybe Eisenhower’s preferred undergarment provider? Indeed, they may hop over to the UK to hold a press conference in Margaret Thatcher’s living room, while she struggles to work out who they are and why one of them looks like a nodding, plastic Ken doll.

The real winner in all this is the Jelly Belly factory. Maybe they will welcome Santorum with a background of a large American flag made entirely of jelly beans. They could also invent new flavors for the occasion. A vomit-flavored-Rick (to be eaten only when watching old JFK speeches), or a Mitt Jelly Belly who’s real taste no one can quite decipher. Maybe they could even create a violently effervescent-Gingrich Jelly Belly. The choices are indeed endless.

What does Santorum’s choice of venue show us about his foreign policy? Nothing really, but he will have quite a lot of sugar on-hand to coat his misguided foreign affairs opinions.

As I write, Winston Chuchill’s cigar-lighter manufacturer has reported a strange booking for a press conference by Newt Gingrich. Perhaps, something to do with “fighting them on the beaches, fighting them in the streets, fighting them in the hills and never surrendering the Republican nomination”?

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Will Birch

Specialising in Maghreb affairs, William has lived and traveled throughout the MENA region.

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