11 Doomsday Scenarios Of the U.S. Going Dead Broke

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1. All Bald Eagles grounded until further notice

2. S&P downgrades John Boehner’s skin complexion to “Peach+”

3. Medicare replaced with more cost-effective Metacare, which treats existential ailments only

4. Texas is sold

5. Statue of Liberty downsized to Statuette of Liberty

6. Arlington National Cemetery slashes staff by 100%, forcing interred to tend their own graves

7. U.S. becomes eligible to consolidate its debts and eventually settle with China for a cool $12.50

8. All nonessential prisoners sent home, while the rest are sent to a farm upstate where they’ll have plenty of room to run around

9. God stops blessing America

10. U.S. eliminates foreign aid to Neptune

11. Constitution is restored as government no longer has the resources to undermine civil liberties