There's a lot of sex in this week's episode of New Girl, "The Captain." Sex being had. Sex being not had. Sex being talked about. Cat sex. Well, almost cat sex. We'll get to that.
The episode opens with Nick and Jess completing a most successful round of romping. She might have even figured out what, "the thing under the thing is." (I think we can all agree that none of us want to share in her knowledge.) Jess wonders if they should stop and talk about feelings and childhoods, but Nick wants to "banana it," and get back to the good stuff.
"Define 'banana it'," Jess asks hesitantly.
"Eat a banana," Nick replies, matter-of-factly.
Jess, and the rest of us, breathe a sigh of relief.
While the happy couple is enjoying their lusty time, their cohabitants are less thrilled. Schmidt is still stinging from his dual breakup, and Winston just wants some quiet — and some love — for his cat. You see, poor Ferguson is about to have the tom removed from his tomcat, and Winston would like him to have one last hurrah. Nick and Jess rattle off ideas for a cat bachelor party, including getting crazy with some Siamese cats, before cluing their cat-happy roommate in on the joke.
Photo courtesy Fox.
Winston leaves to go pimp his kitty, and Schmidt comes in to celebrate Nick and Jess' one-month anniversary with a large sheet cake and a larger dose of reverse psychology. We'll skip the logistical hullabaloo about where the calendar currently stands in New Girl land, and move on to Nick's temporary erectile dysfunction, or Groundhog Day situation, as Jess calls it.
God love the girl, she tries everything to get her man going. She reads an Indian takeout menu in a sexy voice, takes her own stab at reverse psychology, dances, paints her face blue like Papa Smurf, and punches Nick in the face. Alas, it is to no avail, and the next morning, Jess greets Nick with, "Well, at least the sun was able to get up." As Nick groans and escapes to go move his car, she calls after him, "Are we not joking about this yet?"
Honey, we never joke with a man about his malfunctioning manhood.
Yet Jess is far from the most clueless person in the loft, as Winston meets a cute girl in the pet care center and sets up a date … for their cats. Yes, that's correct. Winston meets a cute girl, with a cute girl cat, and is so focused on getting Ferguson's whiskers tickled (or whatever term one uses to imply hot cat sex), that he doesn't notice that the cute human is totally into him. This is what they mean when they say people are too into their pets.
Meanwhile, back at the loft, Schmidt continues to be underhanded. He tells Jess about his degree in "Nickology," and about his formerly tie-dye-wearing friend's favorite sexual exploit, "The Captain."
"The Captain," apparently, is something that is dirty and degrading, cannot to be described without a blender running at top speed, and ends with two people sprawled diagonally across one another, looking confused and violated. I don't care to speculate; there are plenty of websites out there that may be able to answer your remaining questions.
Jess, of course, wants to talk about their post-Captain feelings. Remember, this is the girl with the feeling stick. Nick does not want to talk about his feelings. "If we wanted to talk about feelings, they would be called talkings," he says, not entirely illogically. This is the boy who broke the feeling stick.
As Nick heads out to move his car again, Schmidt tells them the reason their relationship won't work is because of their one fatal flaw: lack of communication. Jess talks too much, and Nick talks too little. Schmidt isn't wrong, per se, he's just pointing it out for the wrong reasons.
Just as Schmidt thinks he's about to win, Nick lets the dam break. He really, really likes Jess, and he's not afraid of their relationship, but wishes she would cork it every now and again (my words, not his). He loves the cello. He likes choirs in rap music. He cried at a zebra birth. He once saw his mother naked. This is the most Nick has talked about himself since he was wasted on absinthe.
The two retire to Jess's room to celebrate their newfound open communication with a lot of not-talking, when Schmidt bursts in to demand that they cease all love making. He dives between them. Limbs are tangled and words are shouted, and while I have no idea what was said, I definitely heard the phrase "dental dam." Again, we don't want to know. Trust me, I'm trying to protect us all.
The banging on the wall disturbs Winston and the cute girl with cute cat, who are in his room, about to have what she thinks is romantic human time and what he thinks is romantic feline time. When the ruckus gets too loud, culminating in Schmidt chowing down on Jess's birth control pills, Winston demands silence.
Photo courtesy Fox.
"The cats are about to have sex!" he informs his roommates. That's when the cute girl with the cute cat flees, and who can blame her. The loft meeting that followed was chock full of gems:
"I'm so aware of my nipples." — Schmidt
"You're having sex. You're not inventing it." — Winston, to Nick and Jess
"It's kind of gross, but also good." — Nick, on his ability to express himself
"You did a bad thing. Deal with it." — Jess, to Schmidt, and she hits him where it hurts. He leaves a note at Cece's door and watches while she, in the middle of a date with a random guy, spits her gum in it.
While Schmidt is dealing with the ramifications of what he's done, Nick and Jess are dealing with Nick's new emotional awakening. He's very excited about, well, everything.
"So, do you want to take my bra off or should I?" Jess asks him, unbuttoning her top. "I'm excited to take your bra off," he informs her. "I love your breasts."
Photo courtesy Fox.
Ah, romance. There were a few moments during "The Captain" where the L-word could have been uttered, but they're taking their time with that one, and I, for one, think it's a good choice. Agree? Disagree? Let me know in the comments.