I have good news and bad news. The bad news is you're in a zombie apocalypse and most likely all the people you ever loved are dead and trying to kill you. The good news is you're alive and, pre-outbreak, were an obsessed fan of AMC's The Walking Dead. Inspired by the show, below are 10 tips that will help you survive this unfortunate turn of events:
You’ll be on the run for the rest of your life (well, until you’re killed or a cure is found, whichever comes first), so ditch the platforms and reach for sneakers or heavy-duty boots. Facts are facts: it will be harder to elude zombies if you’re wearing wedges, espadrilles, heels, pumps, or any kind of footwear lacking ankle and arch support.
And ladies, don’t worry about not looking cute in ugly shoes. Because there are so few humans left, there’s a good chance you’re one of the hottest people IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. At the very least, you’re “zombie hot,” which is the zombie-apocalypse-equivalent of “office hot.”
Embrace this (potentially new) sentiment. There was really no reason for the relaxed gun laws before the zombie apocalypse, but now there are dead people walking around who want to eat your face. Yes, you should conserve your ammo and be mindful of the noise you're attracting, but don't hesitate to blow that zombie's brain. No matter how awkward you might look shooting a gun (ahem, Lori). Learn to shoot, and learn to respect the weapon. You can always go back to being a reasonable liberal once a cure is found and order is restored.
Do not leave your people without telling someone where you’re going. If nothing else, leave a note. I don't want to name names, but Lori and Carl Grimes — no one ever knew where you were because you NEVER left a note. Something tells me you guys were not caught up on Arrested Development when the outbreak hit.
If only someone had left a note (and not been staring at a map while driving), this innocent walker would still be alive:
Image courtesy VH1.
It’s nothing personal. But none of them travel well (or quietly) in a normal situation, let alone in a terrifying zombie hell where one teething baby or painful contraction or Twinkie wrapper rustle could spell doom for you and your entire group.
They are your best chance at survival and a cure. You may have to dip down into the minor leagues — a WNBA star who rode the bench, a vet, or a dentist — but their knowledge is still more relevant and practical than your degree in Asia-Pacific Studies/Comparative Literature.
Besides being tough, smart, and great at tracking, here are some other important reasons you'll want a Daryl when sh-t hits the fan:
1. Daryls are reassuring.
GIF courtesy Braekleman Tumblr.
2. Daryls are good with kids. (Plus a crying baby can spell disaster if someone can't shut them up).
GIF courtesy Angelakalin 3 Tumblr.
3. Daryls aren't afraid to cry (but they know to do it silently as not to attract walkers).
GIF courtesy Coloredyouth Tumblr.
4. Daryls have muscles. One of the few nice things that we have left to look at in this ugly world.
GIF courtesy Braekleman Tumblr.
5. And even when a Daryl shushes you, it's still kinda nice.
GIF courtesy Uproxx.
6. Daryls can pull off a poncho. I'm not sure how this skill relates to survival, but it seems noteworthy.
Image courtesy The 86th Floor.
Refrain from unprotected sexual intercourse until you’re absolutely prepared to start repopulating the species. There’s no such thing as pro-choice anymore. If you get pregnant, you will give birth. Without modern medicine. Without lamaz classes. Without pints of ice cream. Without — and this is a deal-breaker — an epidural.
If you really need sex and feel like you’re going nuts, then loot a Yaz warehouse or adult toy store and stock up on supplies. If and when you are ready to start repopulating, try to do it with a Daryl (see the above reasoning).
Speaking of kids, if you’ve got any, it’s your job to keep track of them. You can’t lose your daughter and then expect everyone to wander around a farm for 13 episodes (except you totally can. Please see Season 2).
Note: Keep a special eye on your children if they’re named Sophia or Carl. Sophias and Carls tend to go missing more often than the normal child (about twice an episode): they wander around the woods unsupervised, they NEVER listen to you when you ask them nicely to please stay in the goddamn house, and their absence may even serve as the weak thru-line for an entire season’s arc.
Congratulations. Your odds of survival just went way up.
True, things look bleak: most if not all your loved ones are dead and/or brainless unstoppable monsters that keep trying to rip you in half, all pleasures like Netflix and college football and cheesy crust pizza are gone, and no one really showers anymore. A zombie apocalypse is a bummer for sure. But there are some positives that shouldn't be overlooked: you don't have to pay taxes or bills, you're no longer saddled with stressful problems like "career choices," and most likely you've finally lost those pesky 10 pounds that have been bugging you since your mid-20s. And you're alive! Even in a horrifying world like this, that's got to mean something.
So try to stay positive. Remember, it could be worse: you could be dealing with the fast zombies from 28 DAYS LATER.