50 Shades of Grey: Worse Than Republicans in the War on Women

What's all the fuss about 50 Shades of Grey? UK author E.L. James' runaway bestseller is inspiring thousands of women to fantasize about Christian Grey having his way with them. This puddle of ooze could be a more insidious war on women than anything attempted by Republicans. 

About to graduate from college, 21-year-old Anastasia "Ana" Steele is easily bewitched by Bill Gates-style Seattle CEO Christian Grey's velvet-covered steel member. Christian isn't like other guys. He has particular and peculiar tastes, and even though Ana is an inexperienced virgin, it doesn't take long for her to adapt to Christian's rough sex ways.

50 Shades of Grey features the "dominant" and "submissive" role-playing in BDSM sex. Ana worries about the contract that Christian wants her to sign to become his "special one." In addition to highly-defined sex acts, the contract, which is subject to protracted negotiations in the book, specifies:

What Ana will eat, when, and how much When Ana will exercise, and how much What Ana will wear, purchased by Christian How Ana will groom herself (waxing or shaving, waxing preferable) How Ana will comport herself in Christian's presence and at other times Specific times Ana will devote herself to Christian's ministrations No speaking about their relationship and no self-pleasuring

Who wouldn't want to do that just for the privilege of being flogged with a velvet-covered steel King of Whangistan? Ana's normal friend Kate, who is doing the badonka-donk with Christian's seemingly normal brother, worries that Christian is "too controlling." Ya think?

The enigmatic Christian is an insanely-wealthy, good-looking sex machine reminiscent of American Psycho's Patrick Bateman.

Some are calling it "mommy porn" because 50 Shades of Grey, while unlikely to be selected for Oprah's book club, has improbably made suburban book club lists by the hundreds. Mommies around the world are tittering and getting all hot and bothered about a girl falling for a guy whose best offering is a "Red Room of Pain."

80s vampire and sex author-turned Christian apologist Anne Rice dislikes fan fiction (50 Shades of Grey began as Twilight fan fiction — so I'm assuming it was originally Edward punishing Bella with his velvet covered steel trouser snake ...) but thinks it is OK for women to indulge any fantasy they like. Anne is right: There is nothing wrong with women and men embracing their sexual fantasies. Some critics miss the point entirely. The underlying story is driven by the fact that Christian is broken and Ana needs to fix him.

Fixing a madman is, of course, what every woman should want to devote herself to. The logical end course for someone like Christian Grey is the Patrick Bateman/Ted Bundy road, but since these books are fantasies, Ana and Christian just keep having sex; with props and painful items most suburban mommies have probably heard about for the first time from these bestselling books. That's what I call love ... not.