The Most Stupid Halloween Advice for Men, Ever

The Most Stupid Halloween Advice for Men, Ever

I’m obsessed with Halloween. It’s my favorite holiday and not because:

I love Halloween because grown-ass adults dress like complete fools in public with no other goal then to have a good time. 

But it’s no secret that the entire $6.8 billion industry has increasingly integrated a not-so-subtle mission to objectify women by pressuring us into "sexy" Halloween costume options. This has created an interesting dilemma for feminists who want to ensure that women aren’t being objectified but also have the freedom to dress however they please without being slut-shamed.

It also raises larger questions of sexual consent, and the tired old idea that "sluts," and in this case "slutoween celebrants" are "asking for it."

While these are worthwhile dialogues, I thought perhaps in the spirit of Halloween I could go the more fun route. But apparently everyone’s already beaten me to it.

A round-up of the top feminist Halloween costumes?You got it. A round-up of the most ridiculous "sexy" Halloween costumes? Here you go. A fun video and song with loads of fun, non-sexy Halloween costumes ideas? Enjoy. The "sexy vagina" costume? Done (and also possibly, the best thing ever).

Then I stumbled on this jewel and due to the shear offensive stupidity of it and the number of brain cells I lost while reading it, I felt the need to share it with you.

So without further adieu, here is AskMen.com’s top five reasons Why You Shouldn’t Pick Up the Halloween Slut:

1. She isn't really a slut.

For half a second, I thought that I was about to be pleasantly surprised, and that they might just go into an explanation of slut-shaming. 

But then I remembered where I was and realized that what they we’re actually saying was: don’t assume that just because she’s dressed like a slut she’ll sleep with you. I mean, every girl is dressed like a slut on Halloween so it’s impossible to tell the actual slutty ones from just-the-Halloween-costume slutty ones, amirite?

But relax bro, we’ve developed the following handful of helpful tips to help you determine which girls are more likely to sleep with you. 

2. She has no creativity.

Note to women: If you want to go home with a total AskMen.com douche on Halloween, do not, I repeat, do NOT purchase an off-the-shelf "sexy" Halloween store costume.

They’re boring and overdone. And "a generic costume gets worn by a generic girl." Even though you have to dress like a slut doesn’t mean you have to be lazy about it. Put in some effort.

3. She has no taste.

If she’s wearing a cheap, store-bought costume she "doesn’t have the sense of style to be one of your priorities for the night."

If you really love Halloween, you are willing to put in more of an effort and "those girls want to have the best time possible on October 31st, which could mean a lot things." 

Including, it follows, sex with you.

To be clear: the more a girl loves Halloween, the more likely she is to sleep with you. It’s science.

4. She has no sexual imagination/she's delusional.

If she actually thinks her sexy pizza costume ("Wanna piz-za me?") is sexy, "she has a lot of catching up to do."

This lack of creativity directly translates to her lack of creativity in the bedroom. That’s clearly a waste of time.

5. There's no more surprise.

The best way to attract a man is to keep him guessing. That's why you never have sex with a guy the first time you meet him because if you give it up right away, there’s nothing left to give. Right?

So if you’re going to go slutty on Halloween (and you should, don't get confused), just make sure it’s not that slutty. Because if he can see most of your body, he also see most of your personality, and there’s simply "no fun in hunting a dead deer."

If all else fails just remember that "Halloween is like finding Waldo in a world full of hacky whored-out Waldos. They all look the same, but it takes a lot of investigating to find out which is genuine." 

Charming.