The best thing you can say about Newt Gingrich’s candidacy is that it’s nearly over. All that’s left is for him to tap out and officially give up his comeback bid in electoral politics. When that glorious day comes, it is far from a given that Gingrich will fade out of the limelight and into obscurity. Indeed, if the 24-hour cable news era has taught us anything, it’s that the media loves showering attention on shameless, self-aggrandizing grandstanders who are of no real political consequence.
Nonetheless, I feel a strange desire to help Newt. Given some of his recent conflicting statements about the campaign, it’s clear that he’s having a hard time letting go. But dozens of electoral beatdowns need not be obstacles to future success. So without further ado, here are five ways Gingrich could spend his post-presidential campaign life:
5. Go back to lobbying
Since Newt has no identifiable principles beyond looking out for himself, lobbying comes as naturally to him as breathing heavily. As the founder of a lucrative think-tank/lobbying outfit called the Center for Health Policy Transformation, Gingrich once advocated for things like end of life planning and an individual health insurance mandate for all Americans. Naturally, he changed his positions when he realized that they would pose a hindrance to his campaign. So now, he equates end of life planning, which is sensible and something everyone should do, with death panels, and opposes health insurance mandates. That’s the kind of brazen about-face that makes for a truly effective political mercenary.
4. Move to the moon
Just because Gingrich won’t be president doesn’t mean he has to abandon his dream of an American moon colony. Using his leftover campaign funds, by which I mean the gambling losses of Las Vegas casino-goers, Newt can commence work on his months-long whimsy of building houses on the moon, whose mortgages can then be securitized by Wall Street and sold to his inept pals at Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae.
3. Clean toilets
During the campaign, Newt said that schools could save money by firing unionized janitors and hiring students to do the cleaning for no money so they can learn the “dignity of work.” So true. Nothing says “dignity” like mopping up misfired fecal matter in the bathroom of a public school. I envision a scenario where some unpopular kid is on toilet duty and his punk classmates intentionally miss to make things hard for him. But the joke will be on them because they will have been robbed of the dignity and honor of cleaning the mess.
Newt should lead by example and crisscross the country, not to run for president, but to clean our public schools. By doing so, he will send an inspiring message to the children of janitors everywhere that their parents are no-good lousy bums with a job so easy that anyone can do it.
2. Scout out a fourth wife
Callista Gingrich may only be 46, but she’s already exhibiting signs of a medical condition known as Frozen Face. And you know what that means. It’s time for Newt to move on to a younger and healthier future ex-Mrs. Gingrich who can satisfy his every sexual urge. People bash Newt because he cheated on his two ex-wives while they were seriously ill. But in Newt’s defense, those women were obviously defective. What did those people want him to do? Return them? Barbaric.
1. Prepare for 2016
Just in case between now and then Americans forget how horrible Newt Gingrich is.