15 Crazy Things More Likely to Happen Than a Bill Making It Through This Congress

It's all but official. The 113th Congress is the least productive federal legislature in American history, passing only 2% of all the bills that were introduced, an all-time low. How rare was it for legislation to pass Congress this year? So rare, that the following 15 rare things have happened with greater frequency than a bill getting through. 

1. Giving birth to twins

Thirty-three out of every 1,000 births produces twins, which is 3%. Indeed, as a twin myself, this means that my ridiculously improbable existence was still more likely than the 113th Congress getting anything done.

2. The New York Jets winning the Super Bowl

Sure, Gang Green has only won a single Super Bowl out of the 47 that have occurred, but that 2.12% rate still puts them a tick above Congress.

3. Your pet receiving a Valentine

About 3% of pet owners get something for their pets on Valentine's Day. I suspect the "cry yourself to sleep on Valentine's Day" figures here are somewhat similar.

4. A Michael Bay movie receiving critical acclaim

Michael Bay — the widely-maligned director of such ridiculously explosion-packed fare as Bad Boys, Pearl Harbor, and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen — has had a grand total of one movie certified as "Fresh" on critic aggregate rottentomatoes (The Rock), thus upping his odds of critical approval to 10%.

5. Being drunk right now

Yep. At any given time, 7% of the world's population is drunk. I'd imagine the number probably goes up if you're talking about members of Congress.

6. Having an STD or STI at some point

This one is disturbingly common, in fact. More than half of all people will have an STD/STI at some point in their lifetime.

7. Parents stealing some of their children's Halloween candy

Right around Halloween, 26% of parents admit that they wait for their children to go to sleep or school before sneaking some of their trick-or-treat loot.

8. Someone actually making a purchase based on a Facebook ad or comment

Really? People actually make shopping decisions on Facebook? In fact, 20% do.

9. Your car airbag killing you instead of saving your life

Disturbing though true, car airbags actually kill one person for every 22 people they save, or just over 4%.

10. Owning a gift card that was never redeemed

Six percent of all gift cards are never redeemed. Including some that I happen to know for a fact I gave to certain friends who think I never found out. You know who you are, and more importantly, I know.

11. Surviving a gunshot wound to the head

Five percent of people who sustain gunshot wounds to the head live to tell the tale. 

12. Admitting to infidelity with a brother-in-law or sister-in-law

Seventeen percent of men and women have admitted to committing infidelity with their brother-in-law or sister-in-law at some point.

13. Having a criminal record

More than one in four American adults have an arrest or conviction that will show up in a routine criminal background check. Maybe one of those 55 bills Congress passed should have tried to reform our ridiculously draconian criminal justice laws?

14. Being the victim of identity theft

Seven percent of American households have reported some form of identity fraud.

15. You forgetting your own birthday.

From time to time, about 7% of people forget their own birthdays. Although I suspect "forget" may belong in quotes here.