Osama Bin Laden met his demise at the business end of an M4 assault rifle a year ago tomorrow, effectively ridding the world of its once most dangerous man. But not to worry, there are plenty more where he came from.
Thus far, 2012 has brought with it a slew of international pariahs, scumbags, idealistic fanatics, and creeps of all shapes and sizes. However, there are always a few who top the list for being the most malevolent of the bunch. So without further ado, the world’s top five most dangerous men.
5) Joseph Kony
It shouldn’t surprise anyone that Joseph Kony is one of the biggest piles of garbage on the planet. There isn’t a war crime he hasn’t committed, and Interpol wants to hang him before the International Criminal Court. From lip circumcision to forced prostitution, Kony has been there, done that. Over 20 years of terror have made him one of the world’s most wanted men, but unfortunately nobody had the balls to go get him until a YouTube video exemplified his atrocities. Isn’t it time we gave up a little sovereignty here or there? Does anyone remember responsibility to protect?
4) Bashar al-Assad
When a person’s biggest fashion statement is the blood splatter on their suit jacket, you know that sooner or later they will cause a ruckus. Assad is now responsible for the deaths of close to 10,000 Syrian civilians who had the audacity to demand a representative government and some semblance of democracy. Big papa Assad, Bashar’s father, knew how to throw down the gauntlet to quash descent and Bashar has taken all of his plays right out of his father’s book. From random street murders to targeted assassination, the Assad regime is quickly becoming one of the most repressive in the world. Unfortunately, Syria is arguably the world’s most volatile flashpoint, and with any luck someone will step in to put a bullet in Assad’s head and stomp out this escalating conflagration of Arab ire.
3) Jalaluddin Haqqani
Haqqani, now said to be bed ridden in the group’s hometown of Waziristan -where the smoke monster from “Lost” hails from- has led the charge of one of the world’s most dangerous terrorist organizations. Al-Qaeda should take notes; the Haqqani network is as strong as ever and just recently unleashed a wave of seven coordinated attacks across Afghanistan. Their potency has the potential to keep Pakistan and Afghanistan at war for the foreseeable future. Haqqani is an institution: he has fought occupation after occupation for over 30 years, with plenty of help from Uncle Sam when we needed him to fight off the Red Menace. Better dead than red? I wonder what Gorbachev would say…
2) Ayatollah Ali Khamenei
Much like Chuck Norris, there’s a fist behind that beard. Ayatollah Khamenei may not look like much, but he stands at the helm of one of the world’s most confusing and terrifying theocracies. Nobody really knows how much power the Ayatollah commands given the fractured nature of Iranian politics, but when Khamenei speaks, the Revolutionary Guards listen like a well-trained pack of anti-Semitic pit bulls. As it stands, the Ayatollah can literally transform the entire Middle East with one command: insert uranium, light fuse, stand back. As long as his divinity lines up with his rationality, keep your “Ayatollah Assaholah” t-shirt in the closet.
Mitt Romney (just kidding…kind of)
1) Wen Jiabao
Though he looks sharp in a suit, watch out America — and any country with natural resources — the prime minister of China is behind the meteoric rise of the country’s economic growth, and has turned that growth into military might. In fact, America is in the middle of a strategic pivot to Asia due to China’s earth-shattering aggrandizement. If Jiabao continues his course, China will find itself on the other side of a Cold War 2.0 with the West. There are chilly days ahead for the world’s powers, and although not one for war crimes, Jiabao is dangerous in a whole different way.
Did I miss anyone? Feel free to add your favorite madmen for us to hate in blissful harmony.