This Rob Ford Christmas Album is the Only Stocking Stuffer You'll Need

Since the holiday season is all about love, peace, and capitalizing on consumer ignorance, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is hoping to rebuild his image by releasing his first holiday album, composed of 12 classic Christmas songs with a "Fordian" twist. Here's the complete track listing for A Very Rob Ford Christmas.

1. Grandma Got Run Over By Rob Ford


The true story of the night Rob Ford accidentally walked over his grandma, crushing her brittle bones with his sumo wrestler frame.  

2. The 12 Steps Of Christmas


For the recovering addict: The text of Narcotics Anonymous' 12-step program set to the tune of the classic, "The Twelve Days of Christmas." 

3. O Little Town Of Toronto


The story of the birth of Jesus, set in Rob Ford's Toronto. 

4. White Nose Christmas


Just because it's not snowing doesn't mean your Christmas can't be white.

5. Away in a Crack Den


While Jesus was born in a manger in Bethlehem, Rob Ford's political career died in a crack den. 

6. Little Strung Out Boy


What if Rob Ford was present at the birth of Jesus? This is that story. 

7. I'll Be Stoned For Christmas


You may not make it home for Christmas this year, but you can always do what Rob Ford did last year: get stoned and vomit on a relative. 

8. I Have a Little Dreidel


Jewish? Don't think for a moment Rob Ford forgot about you. Unlike Santa, Rob Ford delivers the goods to Jews too.

9. Crack Spoons Roasting On an Open Fire


This is really the only way to warm your fingertips on a cold Toronto night. 

10. Jingle Belly


Rob Ford gives his take on a Christmas classic by attaching sleigh bells to his stomach and jumping up and down to the tune of "Jingle Bells." 

11. All I Want For Christmas is Booze


Remember that whether you're alone, with family, or with people you hate this Christmas, booze is the one friend who will love you no matter what. 

12. Frosty the Blow Man


Find out what's really in Frosty's corn cob pipe (SPOILER ALERT: it's crack). 



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David Ludwig

David graduated from Yale University in 2012 with a degree in Theater. He currently works for BabeWalker.com, contributes to Thoughtcatalog.com, and occasionally models for the Victoria's Secret's plus sized division.

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