Ah the '90s. A time for high school hallway romance, at least where fluff-filled, stay-in-on-a-Friday-night, romantic comedies were concerned. The plots? Pretty standard: Romance at [insert location] High and the crooked path to true senior year love. The nice button-down guys almost always won in the end, but the douchey guys in the fitted tees were road blocks for every leading lady — and just so much hate-filled fun to watch.
So this Valentine's Day, rather than putting your single self through one more night of falling in love with the Noah Calhouns of the world, try falling in hate with the crappy high school boys who in a far crueler world (with, you know, blurred lines between fiction and reality) you could be dating. Let's check out our options, shall we?
His stats: Padua High hot shot. Loaded. Model with rumored tube sock ad coming out.
Sleaziest move: Paying guys to take out Kat Strattford.
Douchiest one-liner: "Shit, Bianca, I'm shooting a nose spray ad tomorrow."
What dating him would be like: Conversations about his hair, conservations about his headshots, conversations about his Sears catalogue photo shoot. Watching him pose.
His stats: Most popular guy at Bronson Alcott High School. He's, like, social director of the crew. Owns a Cranberries CD.
Sleaziest move: Forcing Cher to kiss him (as if) and then leaving her alone in a Valley parking lot in the middle of the night.
Douchiest one-liner: "Don't you even know who my father is?"
What dating him would be like: You'd only ever find out if you had the right last name.
His stats: Huntington Hills High's douchiest jock. Just broke up with Amanda Beckett.
Sleaziest move: Telling Amanda no one else would ever love her like he does.
Douchiest one-liner: "You know what there's gonna be in college right? College women. Women with no curfew, women on the pill, women ... women, bro. We are staring into the future here. And the future is women."
What dating him would be like: Silently tagging along while he moons the guy at the drive-through and gives underclassmen wedgies.
His stats: Lacrosse player. East Great Falls High's resident asshole and womanizer. Has a MILF for a mom.
Sleaziest move: Literally every single move he makes.
Douchiest one-liner: "You've been going out since homecoming and all she'll do is blow you? Shit, I'd drop her like a steaming turd."
What dating him would be like: Just ask the 17 other girls he's dating behind your back.
His stats: South Glen South High School's most popular hottie. Plays guitar. Creepy smile.
Sleaziest move: Only interested in Josie after he hears a rumor that Sister Hazel wrote "All For You" about her.
Douchiest one-liner: "Look, geek, why don't you just go home and play with your calculator. Figure out how many lifetimes it will take you to get cool."
What dating him would be like: Either hiding your classmates cars in the TJ Maxx parking lot, or hanging out at the Court. Totally rufus.
His stats: Dyslexic volleyball player. Used to be on Real World. Semi-dating Taylor Vaughan. Loves to dance.
Sleaziest move: Breaking up with Taylor Vaughan to make out at a reality show reunion.
Douchiest one-liner: "Did you honestly think I'd leave for All-Star Road Rules still dating you?"
What dating him would be like: Watching him dance to "Give It To Me Baby," watching him watch old Real World reruns, watching him watch himself watching himself.
His stats: Used to be the Lee High School stud, now works for the city.
Sleaziest move: Creeping on freshman girls, buying booze for 15-year-olds, just generally being shady.
Douchiest one-liner: "That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age."
What dating him would be like: Smokin' up outside the roller rink while he checks out the underage ladies.
Now, seriously, aren't you glad to be single?