Gentlemen, and modestly dressed Ladies; newly minted graduates and assorted faculty.
It is my greatest pleasure as President of Iran to address you at this commencement ceremony, in the country of the Great Satan himself: Newt Gingrich.
I am delighted to be here, although I almost didn’t make it, as getting tourist visas to come to the U.S. issued for me and my entourage was a difficult process. I had to tweet at Hilary Clinton to finally be let in.
Small safety announcement: at the end of this speech I will spontaneously-deliberately but quite accidentally order a small, celebratory nuclear fireworks display. Please proceed to the designated safety bunker to witness it on the wide-screens provided.
Allow me to begin my speech with a joke. Question: What happens when an Iranian, a Frenchman, a Briton, a Russian and an American walk into a room? Answer: An IAEA crisis meeting! Cracks me up every time. It had Vladimir Putin ROFL’ing last week.
So, welcome graduates! This is the first day of your adult lives, a day from when you become a responsible, mature and positive member of your community and nation. It is a day that comes to us all, except if you are a member of the House of Representatives in an election year.
Speaking of elections, I want to declare that I *heart* your leading politician. Indeed, I share many of his views: I am anti-gay marriage, and my religion too permits multiple wives. He also has five children and eighteen grand-children; back home, we would call him an Iranian stallion. Therefore, today I announce that I fully endorse Mitt Romney for U.S President. I have even FB messaged him, offering to officially campaign for him, but he has yet to get back to me.
Now, I want to talk of adversity. In your new lives, you will all face adversity and many challenges. Here’s the secret to my success in dealing with such adversity: lie, lie and lie again, then lie some more just to be sure. Use your powerful and feared militia to torture and kill all opponents. Turn off the Internet and mobile phone coverage. Finally, stuff ballot boxes like a cheap teddy bear. It’s simple and effective. Trust me, I’m a Middle Eastern despot.
However, it upsets me that your media refers to me as a "woman-hating monster." Under my leadership women have been allowed more freedom. Freedom from the tyranny from the West’s fashion dictatorship. In this vein, I want to introduce a government standard for the clothes Iranian women can wear. No longer will there be that awkward choice between J-Crew, Ralph Lauren or Abercrombie &Fitch. Instead I will personally choose all women’s clothes. Deal?
Iranians and Americans have so much in common. We both fought revolutions to oust monarchs. We both used the street as a means to start our revolutions against the yoke of oppression. Then, we both let an unelected theocratic mob run riot with our laws and society. We in Iran chose Ayatollahs, you chose the GOP. I think we know who go the raw deal there.
Finally, when you go the polls this autumn to elect a President we Iranians can deal with. We need a supple, educated and open man, who will not dictate terms, but listen. You tried to give us Newt Gingrich, but the joke went too far, and I ordered him to pull out of the race. How about Ron Paul? Or is he just too off the chart for you?
Although the very concept of a democratic vote is thoroughly alien to me, I urge you not to re-elect Drone-King Obama. I would choose a politician that we can do business with, his political skills and a certain liking for the ladies are universally known. He is already an idol to you all. No, not Bill Clinton, but Admiral General Aladeen. Draft him for President of the United States and you won’t live to regret it.
Anyway, congratulations once again graduates, welcome to the real world. Now I will go collect my honorary doctoral degree in Deranged Ranting from the newly established Mahmoud Ahmadinejad School for Political Repression.